I am ready to break the silence. After years of being unable to trust my voice, I can no longer hold my silence.
Why did I feel I’d lost my voice--my right to have a voice? In an effort to keep the word count below 5,000, suffice it to say, life has dealt me one crushing blow after another and I lost myself. (Right about now my husband is recalling the last seven years and thinking I’m being a bit dramatic. Actually, that’s me being afraid of what he’s thinking of me and then believing it to be true. It’s called projecting. It’s not good. I’m working on it.)
Note to self: Do NOT cancel Friday’s therapy sesh.
You probably have a pretty good idea of what has gotten so stuck in my craw that I’ve got to speak out. I mean, HAVE YOU READ THE NEWS?
Well, for two weeks I could not. I couldn’t read the witty yet well-balanced Skimm daily news with my coffee, as was my ritual. I couldn’t Google things like Phase 1 in Massachusetts, is citizen’s arrest even legal, social media regulations, strawberry-cake-from-scratch recipe, or how many ounces in 1 1/2 cups liquid. You guessed it.
I had to live two weeks of my life without my iPhone. #momentofsilence
With Apple stores still closed--thanks COVID, ya big JERK--we had to put my sweet little, rose gold lifemate in the mail and simply trust that it would reach its destination, get repaired, be put back in the mail, and find its way home to me without being lost, stolen, or damaged. None of this was Under My Control, and I am made aware of yet another talking point for Friday. At first I thought it’d be no big deal. I’m grounded. I’m intelligent. I don’t really need a smartphone to Live My Best Life Now.
Those two weeks were excruciating. And boring. And annoying as all get out. Honest to goodness, there were moments when I felt like I was missing a limb--an essential, useful element of my functioning self. And then I would think, am I crazy? Am I addicted? Do I need to watch that video of that guy talking about the evils of phone use and feel super guilty? Will that help me snap out of this insanity? (I did not. Because I am grounded and intelligent, and believe it or not, I am not actively looking for more things to freak out about right now. Global pandemic and systemic racism have me all full up on Real Matters of Actual Concern.)
After two weeks of staring at an unchanging UPS tracking page, the day finally came. On the dawn of May 27, I was informed that my phone would be arriving by 9pm that night. Finally!
Upon arrival I started setting my phone back up. As is usually the case in repairs, the phone was completely wiped. And to make matters more complicated, my SIM card was lost so I’m essentially building my phone from the ground up. Reloading apps, finally installing a photo backup app, and when was the last time I had to re-enter ALL my contacts? *YAWN*
This is what I’m learning: I use my phone for everything. (Except phone calls.) Useful things. Life management things. Relationship things. And, yes, the things I do to mindlessly kill those random minutes between one responsibility and the next.
I pay bills with my phone--don’t you give me lip, Brent Jones! I have that one I have to pay. I use my phone to see what kind of money said BabyDaddy is making for me, if I’m spending too much of it, and to check the weather. Recording the weather was Actual Homework for my kindergartener during the phone famine.
After checking my AllRecipes and Pinterest apps for menu ideas, I use my phone to order groceries through Instacart. While my shopper is saving my life I use my phone to approve replacements or message them special requests. If you don’t have a phone during Instacart shopping, you have to sit in front of your computer constantly monitoring the webpage, or else your shopper is On Their Own Out There.
When we can do our own grocery shopping, Wegman's has an app that organizes the list BY AISLE and tallies up our total. The list also appears on B.daddy's phone, so he can shop for me without any of that, "I thought you meant Cheese Puffs when you wrote down "cheese." It’s pretty much the best thing that’s happened in my life since my last child was born.
Since our DSLR broke a hundred years ago, our phones have been our main tool for capturing the cuteness and fatness of our babies, and the occasional jovialness of our bigs. Now, I’d like to present to you Exhibit A, pictured below. Do you know how we came about this Best Picture Ever? Well, since you asked, my dear friend was using her phone to shoot a video of a high-stakes game of Musical Chairs. After she saw Olive’s reaction to being eliminated, she screenshot it, edited it, and texted it to me--all from her phone, to my phone, and straight into my heart.
Also, despite the fact that I am a creative type who loves words and music, when my littles ask for a new song at bedtime my brain goes radio silent. So I use my phone and one of my bluetooth earbuds to literally phone-in new bedtime tunes. Mary Poppins' Stay Awake is the most brilliant song of all time.
As we have discussed earlier, I *may* have some control issues. Let me introduce you to Life360. It can tell you in real time exactly where your phone-carrying loved one is located and at what speed they are locating themselves there, which is helpful if I don’t know B.Daddy’s stuck in traffic--DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE--and will come in handy when Cavin starts driving.
Let's talk about my BabyDaddy who has ADD. I like to say he runs on football time. It's not that he's always late. He rarely is. But when there's not a Being Late to be, he says and means with his whole heart, "I'm leaving in ten minutes." But--football time--ten minutes turns into forty. It's okay. This is okay. I spent the first seven years of our marriage becoming okay with this.
However.
I can sometimes be prone to worry and fret. (Terrible side-effect of control issues. I *may* have called 911 in our first year of marriage because he was late coming home from work and wasn’t answering his phone. I had nothing but my own ridiculousness to report and to ask them if they knew of any accidents on 95S. I am not proud of this.) Despite the fear of losing my favorite person ever, under no circumstances do I want to text this sweet man every five minutes asking where he is. It sends the wrong message. And instead of Letting Go and Letting God, I simply pull up Life360 and see Where He At. This solves so many problems for me.
I could continue listing my phone's best uses ad nauseam, but I shall stop here with the elephant in the room. Once upon a time the exclusive, novel use of the phone was Making a Phone Call. Like I said, novel idea. I don't make phone calls. Not if I can help it. If you know me--let’s be honest, if you’ve read this far it’s because you do know me and care enough to get to this point. Thank you. I love you, too--So you would know I have a word quota. My daily word quota is blown well before 9am everyday. Therefore I rely heavily on my phone’s text and various other forms of communicative applications, without which I promise you, I would be completely out of touch with everyone.
So what did I learn from my hiatus from the world of smart phones? Is it good or evil? Progress or vice? Useful or wasteful? Well, seeing as how this is my opinion piece I will say it is most assuredly All Good, All the Time! Okay, just kidding. My phone is mostly good and mostly helps me make the best use of my time. Yes, I have become dependent upon it. I depend on it for MANY things, but without it I would have to depend on so many different tools to accomplish those same things. And I'd likely have to get up and walk from one room to another to get to those different tools. Ew. Essentially, my precious little, pink phone helps to streamline and declutter my daily doings. And at the moment I have six rather vocal flat mates who let me know quite adamantly if my attention is on my phone when it should be on them, so I'm not worried about that at the moment.
