Teach Me Some Melodious Sonnet

Today is the first full day away from Babydaddy after one full week of him working from home. And I just want to cry. Not a big, boo-hoo, wail fest. I think I just need a little something to push those brimming tears over the edge.

I know we're doing the right thing; I know we're on the right track. But I miss my Man.

However, I know I need to learn and practice a few things while he is not here--while I can't use him as a crutch. Yes, my husband is my shield. He protects me; he tends the garden of my soul. But I have some responsibility for that soil as well. This is soil that I have been all too eager to leave in anyone else's hands but my own. Even if those hands wounded me.

(He to rescue me from danger...)

This, literally, was the first thing that attracted me to my husband: I was freshly eighteen. I looked into those 26-year-old eyes-which seemed so old at the time-while I tried desperately to flirt with an unwilling partner. And I saw it.

I can trust him.

He will never lie to me.

He will never betray me.

He won't even flirt with me.

Even in my weakest moments, he will not use me.

And from that moment on, I never let him out of my sight.

Love at first sight. I didn't even know it, but I knew it.

Oh, how naive that sounds to a woman who has been betrayed! Oh, how I know. Though the pain was second-hand, I learned. I grew up loving a betrayed woman with every single ounce of my being. The type of love you can't muster up. The type of love you can't get rid of. I was everything I could be to comfort her, and she was everything she could be to comfort me. As much as I fight it, my planets still want to orbit around her...

But every time Ladybug sees the sun setting or rising she exclaims, "I found God! There's God! D'you see him?" And there is my ever present reminder. He is my Sun. I orbit around him. He gives me life. Every single, new day.

Not my mother who let her body be cut open a fourth time to let me live, and has loved me through a big bunch of crap. Not my husband who finally gave in to a silly, boy-crazy girl, and has loved me into so much more than myself.

My Father is the source of all life and light. I orbit around him. And within this orbit I will find...eventually...what it is I am supposed to learn. A tiny bit today, a whole lot more to come.

Outside of his orbit I would die. I pray, earnestly, he does not allow me to wander out there.

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above."

Bored as a Gourd

I'm looking over a list of Arkansas events for this weekend, and here are some of my choices:

~Beginners Gourd Workshop

~Alice In Wonderland ballet

~Greek Food Festival

~Cruisin' in the Rock car show

~Loose Caboose Festival (what exactly do they mean by "loose caboose"?)

~Crawdad Days Music Festival

~Evening Kayak and Dinner Cruise

~The Impressionists and Their Influence Exhibit

~Kids Fishing Derby

~and the 20th Annual Atkins Picklefest

I want to go to the Picklefest! Sadly, it's at the bottom of the list. And I don't know where Atkins is.

Here's what I'm thinking as I look over this list: I could be miserable here. I could be bored and negative and lonely. (Well, scratch that. I'm surrounded by family members and old friends. I'd have to try really hard to be lonely. I might actually want to be lonely by October.) See, I can try to be miserable, or I can try to be happy. I have a choice. I always have a choice. Whatever my circumstance may be, I can choose to assign it whatever meaning I want.

Of course moving to Arkansas for eight months is not a true tragedy. (And a few Arkansans just got their feelings hurt because I likened the two.) But, enjoying and embracing Southern culture isn't quite the same as grieving the loss of a friend or a broken marriage. So, I guess my opinion is limited circumstantially. I'm not speaking to life-altering, heart-wrenching loss. I'm speaking to, Okay, This Is My Life, So What Am I Going To Do With It?

This is my life. And my life consists of so many people and events over which I have absolutely no control. But I have control of myself, my mind. I control myself. Nobody makes me feel or say or think or do anything. I can have a negative internal reaction, and still rein it in and make it captive to, in my case, the Love of Christ. I can say or do something selfish or hurtful, and still humble myself and apologize--like, for real apologize. What I'm realizing is that no person and no situation can make me do anything. I am free of that. And that freedom was at a Great Cost. I will not cheapen it.

So I choose to be happy. I choose to Love. Sometimes Love is hard and says, "No, not on my watch." Love also says, "Yes! Enjoy your childhood," or, "Enjoy the wife of your youth," or, "Pour your heart out. I will listen."

I am free to choose. In His Mercy, He forgives when I make the wrong choice...and still lets me choose.

So this weekend, we'll see the Impressionist and Their Influence in the world of art. We'll hopefully taste huge portions of Greek food and enjoy Greek dancing. Maybe we'll even get to climb a small mountain in west Little Rock and snag a Mommy-Daughter date to the ballet. Maybe, just maybe. But one thing is for sure: we are going to have a dang good time together as a family. Ain't nobody messin' with that! ;)

Silliness

This has been a long and busy month. My account of the busyness, though, would most assuredly be boring and mundane. Perhaps in a shining moment of recollection I will remember something both entertaining and enlightening. But it's not happening right now. So, I'm going to post this silly video of Li'l Bit. It is always interesting to open up the computer and see what she did for those quiet 2 hours during nap time.