And, what is the nature of your visit?

Our park abuts a backyard in which five naked children used to play in the summer. Obviously renters; they're gone now. And obviously not Americans. For one, their children were always naked. But they also spoke another language and had the blondest hair I've ever seen. Such a peculiar thing to miss, but I do miss it. That would have been so interesting to anticipate at the end of every winter. Unbridled childhood in a different language.
I realize what causes me to pause, though, is losing another thing I expected to count on. (Mind you, this is no self-pity. It's just a matter of fact about our life in the city we love so much. Plus a little dose of self-discovery.)
We lost another peculiar-thing-to-miss this year. Our old neighbor, Bob. He bought his house back in '67 or '77--I should know, because every time he saw us he would introduce himself as Bob, the Catholic deacon who bought this house back in 19__ for $14,000 and raised my five children here. Four girls. One boy. My son always says he was raised in a den of lions. Is your husband good to you? He helps you with the kids? He was a staple. Every day, every week, every season I could look out our window and see what Bob was up to--it was always the same thing. Tending his spotless house, car, and yard. This winter he sold it for what it's now worth--over $400,000. He wanted so badly to sell it to our family, but for obvious reasons, we couldn't swing it. And now strangers live there.
I've gotten used to our family coming in and out of our lives--and perhaps back in again. I expect it. We live in a transient city. People don't usually move here to live. We're a stop along the way. I've accepted the role we will play in 70% of the lives of the people we will grow to love. We will love them and let them go. A new friend of mine asked me if this has caused me to attach more easily. What a strange question. I asked her to repeat it. Then to my surprise I realized, yes, I am much more willing to latch on to a person now than I was six years ago. I have no idea how much time I have with Friend A or Friend B, and I know how it feels once they're gone. I never wished they'd just left me alone. I always wish I had been a better friend to them.
But outside of our family, I guess I never considered that the "fixtures" of our neighborhood would change. So when something I assumed would never change, does in fact change, well, I'm taken aback.
Thankfully, this isn't causing me to shut down and shut out. (Not this time, at least.) Instead I'm reminded anew to love what we have while we have it. I appreciate even more seeing the same little boy named Ethan at the park for the third year in a row--the lilac bushes that grow on the edge of our park (because I can swipe them and get free lilacs on our table!)--the crazy, old neighbors we still have left--the gardeners who grow the same flowers every spring.
And not too seldom at all, God sets a diamond in our hands and it feels like He's saying, "Here. You can have another."

One of our friends dripping wet with love and grace after Stacey baptized her. Oh, what a beautiful story she has.

My baby daddy and Ladybug with Clint at the baptism.

Wonderful friends to love and appreciate!

By summer time we will have three of these family members still with us. Our others are moving on--one at the end of grad school, one at the beginning.

Silence. Rest.

must. have. sleep.
my baby daddy isn't presently with me.
i am very happy for him and hope he is getting all he needs to get out of this tiny, little bit of time he is somewhat on his own.
but, mama is tired. it's just the end of the day. we've had a great day w/ a horrible nap time, if you know what i mean. so, the kids are finally all in bed--an hour and a half late--and i am ready to crash. and that is what i'm heading to do right now. but i felt compelled to share it here since i post about once a week these days. But, you know, that's not necessarily a bad thing...

"Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue."

Happy Birthday, Bertha!

Well, we haven't actually named her yet (our minivan.) I think she's got to die and be pushed to start the engine at least three times before naming becomes necessary. BUT, it has been one year since we bought our first ever, beloved minivan. Here's the post from a year ago if you care to celebrate her blessed day with us:

~~~

I feel like I should start this post with an acceptance speech!
First I'd like to thank God for being merciful and gracious. Second, I'd like to thank Dave Ramsey for writing The Total Money Makeover, my husband for jumping on board with me from day one and being excited about a book I only told him about, and finally to my sister HB for turning me on the book in the first place.

Now, this is why this book is such a big deal:

We just bought a minivan. Like, we bought it. Drove it off the lot with the title in my purse!

In March of 2007 our little family started the Total Money Makeover. By October that year God had freed us of all our debt--$22,700 to be exact. We know it's all Him, and not only because every good and perfect gift comes from Him. We made lots of mistakes along the way--I made lots of mistakes. Yes, we fought hard and made sacrifices and we've learned a ton about being smarter with the money He gives us. But He freed us. With this freedom has come a life-or-death commitment to never get ourselves into debt again--period.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant with #3 we started saving for a minivan. Three carseats don't fit in the back of an Accord. We tried. We knew we needed a van, and we knew we shouldn't finance a single cent. The plan was to buy one in March. Well, tax season hit us hard. (One of those mistakes I was telling you about.) But, again, God is endlessly merciful with us.

We've been intensly researching and shopping the market for the last month. (Casually for the last seven months.) We decided to get a Toyota Sienna because for what we could afford, it was the best van on the market. We could afford most vans between 2000's and 2003's. As we were zeroing in on buying time, we saw that the vans we could buy were 2000 Sienna's with about 80,000 miles. Not great, but still reliable and smart. This weekend we found a van online that looked really good, but just barely out of our range. It was listed on the lot at $11,000, and as an internet special for $10,000. It's a 2002 Toyota Sienna Symphony Edition with 64,000 miles. Really nice. It was so close to our range and by far the best van we were seeing.

Remember how I said tax season hit us hard? Well, our first tax forecast told us that we'd have about three thousand dollars left along w/ our car to put toward a new van. This morning we had $7500 in my purse and a 2002 Kia Spectra to trade in. As soon as B.daddy got home KC came to watch the kids and we headed to the lot. All day we'd just been praying that if this wasn't the van it just wouldn't work out.

We checked it out, played with all the gadgets, and drove it around. It was niiiiice! We sat down in the office and started talking to the owner. He said we needed to put a few hundred more into the pot to make the deal a go. B.daddy (thankfully) was firm in our resolve and said, "This is all we've got. We brought everything we have, laid it out, and if it works, it works. If not, we just can't get it." I was thinking--Whatever! We'll take it. It'll be tight, I don't know if we really should or could, but we'll take it!! I'm so glad I didn't butt in, because I was so tempted. The owner finally realized we couldn't budge. There was a $200 fee he couldn't wave but that was all he was asking above our offer. We deliberated. Since our sales tax was going to be less than we thought, we went for it. So he filled out all the paper work, we left the LamborKia in the lot, and drove off in a brand-new-to-us van that belonged completely to us! Umm, praise the Lord? I think so.

To make a long story longer...

As I was nervously driving us home, (I have a nasty habit of having fender benders) B.daddy was saying, "Man, that was kind of anti-climactic." I was like, Heck yes! Our lives shouldn't flash before our eyes when we're buying stuff--especially big stuff. Well, the climax was coming...

We parked it in the driveway and headed into the house. I handed B.daddy the keychain and he noticed a blue button with a key symbol on it.
What does this do?
I don't know, I pressed it and nothing happened.
Well, let me try.
He pushed it and held it down. It's a freakin' remote starter!! This is a HUGE deal here! Everytime I leave the house in the winter I have to lock the kids in their room, run downstairs and back to the garage, start the car and lock the keys in the car (extras in my pocket), then run back upstairs to get the kids bundled up.

So, basically we're very excited. This van is exactly what we need, and even exactly what we want! How amazing is that? Sorry this has been so wordy, but it's one of those stories in our lives that is very important to us and the whole story of how God is freeing us from the bondage of our sin.

Our new van!!!

Power sliding door :)

Symphony Edition means it has a really nice stereo system. Mommy likes.

It's clean, roomy, and comfy.

No Lie

Li'l Bit and B.daddy were listening to Prince. Yes, it's Easter Sunday and my daughter was on top of the dining room table dancing to Super Freaky (or some song with those words in it) by the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.
At one point in her excitement she exclaimed to her father, who is sharing with her such a high caliber of musical enjoyment: "I just came in and heard this music and thought, What is this commotion doing to my body?"
She just has to dance.

Well, It's No Wonder!

It was FINALLY warm enough to take the kids to the park today.
All morning I was wondering, "What am I doing wrong?! My kids are so mean and cranky!" I was actually trying really hard to not be mean and cranky myself, so you can understand my confusion. Well, after nap time I loaded us all up and walked to our favorite park.
Ah, heaven.
Fresh air, sunshine, exertion, other kids, other moms, etc. The length and severity of the winter is definitely the hardest part of living up here. It can be so isolating. But once the sun finally shows his face--wonderful! Our summers are so beautiful and mild, and since everyone has an extreme case of cabin fever we all live outdoors in the warmth.
So, perseverance is the lesson of the day. We love living here and we love the cold, snowy winters; but by March one must persevere in order to maintain sanity until May...okay, the end of May. Persevere! I can do this! Persevere!

These two pics are from our "First Walk of the Spring" about a month ago. Once a month until May we can get outside. ;)
~~~
I've been reading a lot about the Charlotte Mason philosophy of education and about half of the "curriculum" calls for children to be outdoors. There is a much more eloquent way to describe it, but basically this time is for them to be in touch with nature-God's most inspiring work of art-and their own curiosity, identity, intellect, etc. But another very critical benefit of this time is how free children are outside. They can be supervised from a distance, and (as long as I don't freak out) they can explore all kinds of amazing things. Their boundaries are wide open compared to the tight nature of indoor behavior. They can yell, run, roll. But I think they also have a freedom within themselves from perpetually pushing against their boundaries the way they do indoors. Needless to say, I'm very excited about Summer's approach!

Some days I really wonder...

"It was a week when a person would rather not be sliced in half, because you'd want your family to remember you as a better man than what you were most recently."

Leaving Home, by Garrison Keillor

FREEEEEDOOOM!!

Sunday. Mom and HB dropped Ladybug and I off at the Nashville airport at 11:15 a.m. Our first flight went just fine, and we arrived in D.C. on time. We already had a three hour layover, so I was prepared for lots of entertaining. (I took Ladybug in her pouch--no carseat or stroller. I hate traveling with all that baggage.) At 5:30 when we should have been boarding the plane for Boston they announced that our flight had been delayed until 8:00...most likely. At this point I started wondering how I was going to deal, but we just figured it out. I alternated between walking the terminal and letting her crawl in front of the big window and sitting her in a high chair in the food court.
The terminal was getting cramped. There were flights delayed all over the place, so people were getting all clogged up. At around 7:00 I started searching for an empty high chair again. One was being used to hold a couple's bags, but the other one was open. However, there was only one empty adult chair left. I walked up to it and a lady pulled it to herself--she was already sitting down. I literally dropped the high chair and said, "Are you using that?" And she said, "Yes." I was shocked. Then this sweet man nearby started gathering all his things together and said, "Here, you can have mine." I started crying! I thanked him through tears and he sort of chuckled and said, "You're welcome." I thought, he must have women in his life if he knows to just go about his business when one of us starts to fall apart. (Those poor guys and their fix-it fixations.)
Finally, at 8:00 they boarded us on the plane...so we could wait. I know, I know, they need to be ready to take off at a moment's notice. But I was holding a very hot, very tired baby on my lap. By 8:45 Ladybug has screamed herself to sleep and we taxied to the runway. Then the pilot announced that Boston wasn't letting any aircraft in until further notice. My head immediately dropped in my hand and I started sobbing. Mind you, I do NOT cry in public. But I simply couldn't stop. I was trapped. Ladybug was miserable and I was stuck in the very back corner of the plane and I couldn't get off! At 9:45 we took off and we landed in Boston at 11:30 p.m. Ladybug woke up and screamed to sleep a couple more times, and was finally totally unconcious for the last hour of flying. I could not get off that plane fast enough!! I felt a little William Wallace action welling up within me as fresh air hit my nostrils and my legs moved!
It took us twelve hours to travel from Nashville to Boston. Twelve hours of togetherness for me and the babe. :) She was SO happy to be home Monday. She was absolutely giddy as she crawled and babbled and napped. What a relief it must have been. I was exhausted; also insanely happy to be home. But when B.daddy got home from work I got supper on the table and went straight to bed. And that is where I stayed until Tuesday morning!

~~~

I love Ladybug's current phase of discovery. Everything is enthralling to her new, independently searching hands--and mouth. She is so funny and so content to just explore, explore, explore! She got her first tooth this month and her long, muscular body is starting to get a little more chunky and sturdy. I just want to eat her up!

This is how I found her in her crib one morning after Li'l Bit dressed her.


Her first night to crawl!


Her adorable smile. And the skid mark on her nose--I dropped her. Don't really want to talk about it. ;) I've told that story enough already.

And, We're Back

My weekend with the ladies was indeed wonderful. We laughed and cried and talked about everything under the sun and deep within our hearts. It was the perfect salve for my happy but weary soul.

And that's the thing: I've read a good bit of "mom" literature lately that pointed out that it's okay to admit that you're not happy in your current office of "mom". That's true, and I'm glad that I read those books and asked myself lots of tough questions. But you know what? I am happy. I do love all this mom stuff. I am one of those girls who was born for domestication.

I'm just tired. (Mom, hope you appreciate that!) Really, really tired. My heart is red and swollen with happiness, and it is everyday breaking and aching with love for my husband and our babies. But when I feel myself wearing down to the bone from the chronic burden of the mundane, I need to remember to step back, perhaps fill my office with a temp, and take a dadgum breather.

I heard this song a couple weeks ago, and it slapped a huge smile on my face. Love the country music! I didn't quote it exactly, so you'll have to go youtube or itunes it to hear the whole thing. It's hilarious--as long as it doesn't make you sad. ;)

Boney Fingers - by Hoyt Axton
Oh! the clothes need washin' and the fire won't start

Kids all cryin' and you're breakin' my heart

Whole darn place is fallin' apart

Maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'

Maybe things'll get a little better.

Work your fingers to the bone - whadda ya get?

( Whoo-whoo ) Boney Fingers - Boney Fing-gers.

Yea! I've been broke as long as I remember

Get a little money and I gotta run and spend 'er

When I try to save it, pretty woman come and take it

Sayin' maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'

Maybe things'll get a little better.

Refrain:Yea! the grass won't grow and the sun's too hot

The whole darn world is goin' to pot

Might as well like it 'cause you're all that I've got

But, maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'

Maybe things'll get a little better.

Tomorrow, I'll have to share my sob story about how it took me and Ladybug 12 hours to get from Nashville to Boston--by plane.