Pumpkin Rum Cake with Penuche Icing

Every October I start going a little Pumpkin Crazy.  For some reason EVERYTHING I make must contain pumpkin.  My husband isn't crazy about my craze, because he hates any baked good with the pumpkin spice taste.  He sees me spending hours baking delicious things he will not want to eat.  Sorry, babe.  You can have your cake and eat it too in December when everything will be super decadent and chocolate covered.  

I think the spicy smell emitting from the oven makes home feel so very much more like home.  And pumpkin itself is an amazing ingredient for adding rich, buttery depth to something.  One day a couple years ago, I actually spent an entire day making pumpkin cookies, pumpkin monkey bread, and a pumpkin yeast roll--in the shape of a pumpkin!!  I was just a teeny bit stressed out at the time.  The baking helped.  Baking always helps.

This year I started with White Bean Pumpkin Chili.  I've already declared its immaculate wonderfulness in a previous post, so I'll just stop with a gorgeous picture of the luscious dish with our end-of-summer PeeGee blooms.

Ever notice how Trader Joe's always seems to know exactly what you need when you walk through those doors?  It really is eerie.  They know what you want before you even know you want it.  Then you're walking down the aisle and you're all like, WHAT!? Is that even a thing?  I have to have it!  Ten of them, because they won't be here next month!  This particular visit all I needed was a yummy $4 bottle of red wine and a box of pumpkin cornbread mix.  This meal happened when I was running on fumes and absolutely no energy.  But we had already ordered in too many times, and my heart needed to know my family was eating something delicious and real.  So I made this super easy chowder and threw the cornbread together.  The kids LOVED it.  They said it was like eating cake for supper.  I agreed it was a lot like cake.  I enjoyed it, but it was very sweet.  It would be better paired with a more savory meal: roast chicken, red-peppered potatoes, and slightly salted broccoli or asparagus.  

Last week I made my first pumpkin pasta dish.  It was going so well, and I was drowning in my own drool until the very last step of the recipe called for cinnamon and nutmeg.  I trusted the recipe, which I never do, and I immediately regretted it.  I put so much work into that dish and it was really really good at every taste test.  But those two spices made it absolutely confusing.  I realized that when it comes to savory dishes pumpkin should be treated exclusively as a squash--no sweet spices.  My tongue was all, This sausage is so amazing.  And the pasta!  Oh I do love this sauc---wait. Oh my gosh!  What is that?  And then my brain was all, You have to eat it all, you recipe-trusting-fool.  No one else likes it either, and you worked too hard on it to turn back now.  We stomached as much as we could and moved on with life.  I'll try again when my taste buds have reset.

And this is what we've all been waiting for:  my recipe for Pumpkin Rum Cake w/ Penuche Icing.  If you're wondering what Penuche is, you have not yet truly lived.  It's a butter and brown sugar based fudge.  It is indescribable.  I've made it many times, but twice it was ruined by crystalization.  Those disappoints nearly caused me to abandon all that I hold to be good and true in this world.  It is that profoundly delicious.

A few years ago I was given my first Southern Living cookbook.  Such good stuff.  Every year since I got it I had tried making this one particular cake, and every single year the attempt would end in a fire-breathing, cussing rant. (Yes, I have a temper. Yes, I hate to fail. What about it?) There were just a few parts that did not work for me, but I was in love with the bones of it.  So I changed this and that and came up with something that did finally work for me.  And, oh how it worked!

This is the best part:

You begin by putting pumpkin and rum together to consummate their blissful relationship.

Then while they are sitting on your counter, calling to you in their warm, deep voices, you go about the task of assembling the cake batter. (Resisting the urge to pick up that measuring cup and chug it!)

So here's the recipe:

Pumpkin Rum Cake with Penuche Icing

(Okay, so maybe cleaning the penuche bowl WITH YOUR TONGUE is the best part.  But I digress.)

Ingredients:

1 cup softened butter

2 cups granulated sugar

2 cups brown sugar

5 large eggs

---

1 can pumpkin puree (about 2 cups)

1/2 cup rum

---

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 tsp. each of ginger, allspice, & nutmeg

*Grease & flour--or use parchment paper--three 9-inch, round cake pans.  Preheat oven to 350º.

1) As I said, join the pumpkin and rum together and give them a little privacy.

2) Combine dry ingredients and set aside.

3) Cream butter; add sugars and cream well; add eggs one at a time. Mix until homogeneous.

4) Alternately add dry mixture and pumpkin mixture to the mixing bowl.  Mix well.

5) Divide evenly between the three cake pans, and bake for 30-45 minutes. (I know that's a big window, but this was the first time I made this recipe.  I don't remember exactly how long my oven needed, but I started checking it around 30 minutes and went from there.)

Penuche Icing:

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 cup butter

3 tsp. rum

2 1/4 cups powdered sugar

1) In a medium saucepan, *stirring constantly* gently heat brown sugar, cream, and butter until butter melts.  Turn the heat up, medium-high, and bring mixture to a boil.  Boil for 3 minutes.  Remove from heat and add rum.

2) Place powdered sugar in separate mixing bowl and pour the hot mixture in. (The cool bowl will help the icing thicken sooner.)  Stir with a wire whisk for a very long time.  How long will depend on the temperature of your kitchen as well as your climate.  Within 10-15 minutes, the icing should have thickened up to the point that you can pour it over each cake layer without it being too thin and running all over the cake plate.  If you've cooled it for 25 minutes and it's still not thickening, start adding small amounts of powdered sugar to do the trick.  This is the most painstaking part of the cake, but it is the most delicious!

3) Place bottom layer on cake plate and pour 1/3 of the icing over, gently encouraging it to spread to the edges.  Repeat with each layer.

Voila!  And Enjoy!  And you can thank me later.

Highs And Lows

Sometimes at dinner we'll play "Highs & Lows" as a way to talk about our day.  We share the best parts and the worst parts.  Sometimes we simply name them, and sometimes we talk further about how they made us feel. So I guess this is kind of like the "Highs & Lows" of the last several months.

I'll start with my low.  I've been suffering from postpartum depression.  The first four months with Sweet Pea were very peaceful and happy.  I savored every warm, newborn moment.  I wrapped up our school year with force and resolve and a great plan for the coming year.  I thought that for once I wouldn't have to deal with PPD.  But then it hit, and it took me a while to realize what was happening.
The kids were amazing.  We had a very simple summer.  My one goal everyday was to get them out of the house.  We did parks, museums, the beach, splash pools...any place I could just strap my baby on, stand quietly, and watch the three kids having fun.  I could manage that.  I could manage to smile and wave, and maybe from afar they wouldn't hear their laughter echo in the vacuous hole of my chest.

About two weeks before school was to begin, I realized I had not the strength to carry the burden of education.  Not only that, but I had to learn to prioritize my health and rest.  (A very hard lesson I am still working on.)  That meant I had to make a very difficult decision to let go of my lofty educational vision for a little while and trust our public elementary school to care for and teach my first three babies.  A hard decision but a peaceful one.  All three have excellent teachers whom they love!  All of the other teachers and staff we've met have been incredibly helpful, warm, and enthusiastic.  Although Gizmo and The Rascal miss the hours of freedom to imagine and get filthy that homeschooling allowed us, they still enjoy their school days.  Li'l Bit is absolutely in love with school!  I knew she would be.  In our homeschool world she could read for hours upon hours everyday.  She was disappointed when she realized how school life infringed upon that, but she's adjusted. Fifth grade isn't the easiest year to first experience public school with all it's little dramas and nuances.  But she is holding her own and finding her place.

I am indeed prioritizing my wellness.  I have the support I need to get through this dark season.  Every morning when I put Sweet Pea down for her nap and I sit in the quiet to pray and meditate, I am overcome with thankfulness for this space to heal.  Not surprisingly, the day goes by very quickly and I could fill every single moment with work and plans.  I do have to guard the hours and choose my activities wisely.  There are so many ways I can be involved with the kids' school, projects I could tackle at home, and friends I could serve.  Daily I must bring myself back to my list of priorities and spend my energy from the top down.  If my energy lasts to #4 great; if I can only get to #1 great.  All of my cheerleaders--with B.daddy in the front row--keep reminding me that this is time for me to rest.  All I have to do is rest. For perhaps the first time in my life, I am able to be kind and compassionate toward myself and stop trying to live up to unrealistic standards.  This has been a frighteningly dark season, but B.daddy and I are hopeful that the painful refining is bringing about greater freedom for my future.

Now on to the fun part--pictures!!

If the morning is nice, Sweet Pea and I will take a walk after seeing the kids off.

It is such a blessing to be able to play with this sweet girl and watch her grow and learn!  She's crawling and pulling herself up; she loves to read books with bright, literal illustrations; she's got great giggles and snuggles; and she LOVES to eat A LOT! :)

She's got great thighs.

The kids had a super fun Halloween weekend.  Stake and Jeph (more pseudonyms to protect the innocent) helped them carve their first ever pumpkins, I got to be in Gizmo's classroom to help decorate pumpkins, the kids had a Halloween Bash at school, and the next day they rode on the school float in the Halloween parade.

The Rascal (formerly known as Ladybug) got to dress up @ school as her favorite literary character on Halloween.

Our first field trip!!  The Rascal's grade walked to the library and City Hall then had "lunch with the Mayor."  A dear friend looked after Sweet Pea so I was able to chaperon this trip.  So fun!  And it was very interesting for me--as a homeschooler at heart--to meet her classmates, watch them interact with each other and adults, and observe the teachers keeping 60+ kids alive and well-behaved while we walked all over town!

I had to crop out her buddies.  There are, understandably, so many more rules to keep up with when you put so many different kids together.  But this is The Rascal w/ The Mayor.  I'm pretty sure he's okay with his image being public.

Gizmo finally lost his snaggle tooth and carved his pumpkin to match. :)

He's not a huge fan of the homework.  Sometimes it's not a big deal, and he cranks it out in no time.  One day he forgot to bring his homework pack home, so I gave him extra homework as a consequence.  Well, he completed that and then pulled out the math book he would have been doing at home this year and completed like 20 pages.  Other nights he fights the simplest, easiest assignment and that drives me absolutely batty. B.daddy has to come in as the closer and get the job done.

I love this picture of Li'l Bit.  Even though it's a bit blurry--and she smeared soot on her face--it shows how very grown up she is becoming--not just pretending to be, but actually being. ;)  Stake built a great fire and kept the kids from burning their hair off while Jeph helped B.daddy with man things and I made chili and cornbread for everyone.  Stake always has super fun ideas.  This night: build a flaming torch!  It was a great night.  And nobody got injured.

My tiny, little girl walking off to the 5th grade.  She is definitely one of the smallest kids in her class.  And she is fearless.

Parent Involvement At Its Best:

B.daddy chaperoned the school float for the parade.  He has absolutely been my super hero during this dark season.  He has shown up for every school event--sometimes alone, when I was too sick to do it--he's rushed home to care for me on the really bad days, and he has been the greatest champion for my healing and wellness.  All that and he knows every word to every Prince song ever written.  (Even the dirty ones.)

This is me going a little overboard for the PTO bake sale.  But I mean, come on!  I got to bake for something AND it made money for the kids' school?  How could I not go all out?

Talking.

Quite a long time ago I wrote about depression.  I promised myself to write more on the subject.  It's hard though.  In the midst of it, I can't think/talk/write, and when it's all over I just want to move on and feel the light that has returned.  But it has consistently been my experience that as soon as I open the door on an unpopular topic I hear from friends who needed to know they were not alone.

So here I am.  I don't really want to talk about this.  But I know I need to for me.  And I hope it's encouraging for some of you.

B.daddy and I have weathered many rolling tides of depression.  Some long, some short; some expected, some not; some severe, some just blah.  The thing that always gets me is the failure to recognize a wave before it's almost passed.  It's hard to remember to strap on my emotional helicopter and look at the situation from 30,000 feet.  Instead I hull up inside my head thinking terrible things about myself and worrying that everyone else is going to figure out what a loser I am.

I freak out, which only makes the situation worse.

In my experience, if I'm going to get my head above water I have to let go.  Stop freaking out and struggling and let the wave wash over me.  Amazingly, when I do that it actually washes over me and moves on.  When I'm not struggling with the undercurrent, I have the energy and space to heal.  My healing looks a lot like rest.  Like relaxing--just not in the spa sort of way.  Rather like breathing deep and relaxing muscles that ache from exertion.  And there are several things I do as part of my healing regime.

The first thing I do is talk about it.
Before, during, and after any words leave my lips, I utter a lot of inaudible God Help Me's.  Any form of articulate prayer is usually impossible.  But the Spirit intercedes when words fail.  My spirit groans and yet I am comforted, because I believe he has mercy on me.  The first person I talk to is my husband.  He needs to know, and I need him to know when I'm under water.  He is a compassionate and encouraging man, so knowing that he knows brings me immediate relief.  Even though it may still take a while to get through it, I know I can say a few simple words and he will shower me with patience and prayer.
If I feel the need, I'll have a chat with my counselor.  She has gotten to know me very well, and can often remind me of the truths that bring on healing.  Insecurity takes center stage when I'm depressed.  And, for whatever reason, insecurity can make it hard for me to believe positive words spoken by my husband or friends.  Perhaps I think they just feel sorry for me or want to keep me from hurting.  But my counselor has no personal agenda.  Heck, supply and demand says it's better for her if I do feel bad.  I know it sounds twisted, but, like I said before, it is very hard to think straight in the midst of depression.  The counselor-patient relationship can be a clear, objective space to just get right to work, no strings attached.
I keep in touch with my midwife during pregnancy and postpartum.  She has been one of my brightest cheerleaders since before Gizmo was born.  She can help me figure out if a particular wave is related to baby-making hormones and stresses.  And she gives lots of really good hugs.  And she thinks I'm awesome but SHE is awesome, so that makes me feel awesome.
Then there are the kids.  It breaks my heart when a wave has lasted so long or gotten so severe that the kids actually notice it.  If I can I try manage it without their knowledge.  Not for shame, but to avoid unnecessary emotional stress in their little hearts.  I do not pretend with them that Mommy always feels great, and so should they.  We accept all our emotions as they come and deal with them together.  But how Mommy feels can have a very profound effect on a child.  They don't need to know every detail of my mental angst.  However, it's not always avoidable.  When it's not we sit down and have a casual conversation about Mommy feeling really cruddy.  I keep my words simple and as neutral as possible.  I tell them that I may need extra time-outs during the day.  I also tell them that they can speak up for themselves.  If I'm not acting right, they have my full permission to tell me it hurts their feelings.  There is a fine line here.  I do not give them the responsibility of keeping me in line or comforting me.  I aim to empower them to speak out against hurtful behavior.
Finally I try to be open and honest with my friends.  Depending on the growth stage of the friendship this can be very difficult.  Trust is hard for a lot of us, and it takes a long time for eyes-closed-fearless-falling-into-your-arms-trust to be established within a friendship.  Nonetheless, I try to reach out and say, Hey, heads up. I feel like crap.  Sometimes an encouraging conversation will follow, sometimes I am assured my friend is praying for me.  But my favorite thing that happens: trust builds.  The friend I tell looks utterly relieved that someone is being honest with them about something so dark, and we're both able to talk about our dark struggles.  These conversations are fleeting, but they are worth every trepidatious step.

The Pull We Feel

To be perfectly honest...

Today (and several days in recent past) I am just so over it.  I'm sick of laundry. Tired of cleaning.  Exhausted by teaching the kids to be reasonable.  Sick of answering questions.  Cringing at every utterance of, "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?!"  

What's scary though?  I don't even want to cook, to bake, to create.  I hardly care to eat, because that takes effort.  I'm so caught up feeding these other five crazies, one of whom EATS. FROM. MY. BODY. I don't want to mess with feeding myself.

I am pulled in so many directions by so many sets of hands....

I want to sleep (in my studio loft apartment in the city.)

I want to watch movies (on a really big screen in my studio loft apartment in the city.)

I want to eat food some master chef makes for me in HIS messy kitchen, not mine.

Those three things are NOT happening.  Like ever.

But the thing is, I'm also living my dream.  I'm doing exactly what my heart has desired to do since the dawn of my memory.  Through my various stages of development, maturity, and education, I have wanted nothing other than to stay at home with kids to snuggle and cuddle and raise.

Motherhood is not glamorous or popular.  (Despite all those sweet social media blurbs.)  It's not cool.  It's hard work, it's messy, it's mind numbing, it leaves marks. And there's usually a special odor that follows it around.  (Today's special smell was Sweat Pea's sweet little diaper surprise....in a hot minivan stuck in traffic.)  As much as we all say "it doesn't pay a thing" my husband works wicked hard so I can live this dream.  But there are days when I have to call and interrupt his super stressful day to "not complain" about this dream life.

So today was THAT kind of day.

This ain't my first rodeo, y'all.  I know this is one part emotion and ten parts stage of life.  I know this will ebb and flow.  I know all that causes this feeling and that those causes will depart from me, along with the scrumptious cheeks, sweet milk breath, and w's-for-r's.  And then I will ache for more of this.

Simply put, this is Incessant Exhaustion and A Serious Touch of Boredom.

As long as Sweet Pea needs FOOD TO SURVIVE in the middle of the night, there's not a whole lot I can do about the exhaustion bit.  (I really do take good care of myself, Mom.)  I do what I can, but there's only so much I can control.

The Boredom issue is entirely different, especially since we're done with school.  Despite my distress this morning, I got the bare necessities accomplished.  Then, at the spur of the moment it was time to hit the beach!!  (I actually meant to take them to a easy, little wading pool ten minutes from our house.  One hour later, we were at the beach.  Long story.)

Here the kids are like, "Are we really at the beach?!"  They've been asking to go everyday since, um, March.  Everyday, y'all.  Everyday.  I got that bright green shirt for Gizmo, so I could easily spot him on busy beach days.  But as you can see he is quite adept at camouflaging himself.

Our other little dirt magnet.  Skinny Binny kept losing her drawers to the great Atlantic force. Love seeing those beach bums!  (See what I did there?)

There was a great expanse of knee deep water, which was just perfect.  And warm!  Sweet Pea and I swayed with the waves while the other three rolled about in it like dogs!

Last summer, I was too sick to take the kids to the beach.  I really missed it.  The ocean is one of those things in nature....like the night sky.  You look at it, really look at it, for any amount of time and you realize just how enormous this world is.  And just how small you and your exhaustion and boredom really are.  And how could we ever be bored with All Of This?  

All of this glory and gravity pulling me out.

Out There.  

Out of myself.  

Out of the mundane. 

Into awe.

This huddle happened right before we left.  It was the icing on the cake.  I love, love, love seeing the kids explore the world together.

What began as a really crummy day ended as a really good day.  We had more than a few obstacles to overcome, but we persevered for the glory of fun to be had!  Now we're all pink from the sun, squeaky clean from post-beach showers, and exhausted from play instead of work.  

And in the end, what I really needed was to stand at the edge of the world and feel so very small and so very overwhelmed by Beauty and Power. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Gold, baby! Pure gold!

I teach my kids at home.  As hard as this path has been for me, there is one thing these kids and I have always done both well and enthusiastically: reading.  Good, solid, heart-warming, brain-stretching, eye-delighting reading.  From the time she could hear, Li'l Bit has loved chapter books just as much as picture books.  Gizmo and The Rascal are less accomidating to my lofty reading goals.  I distinctly remember loudly "reading over" an 18-month-old Gizmo as he slammed toys around and scaled walls.  I have had to convert to audio for most chapter books because my attention has to be spent keeping Gizmo and The Rascal in a listening state of mind.

So when I stumble across a new picture book that actually has meat to it?  I go bananas!  I gravitate toward books that recite scripture word for word or impart academic knowledge with ease.  Wonderful stories and beautiful illustrations never hurt--I love them with a passion--but I am tempted to pack every reading moment with pure brain protein.  (It's kind of a big deal that I'm responsible for their education.  See also, What am I missing?  Oh Dear God, what am I missing?)

My latest discovery was a total accident and I'm all like, why in the world did my teachers not read these books in class?!  The Rascal brings home all kinds of crazy stuff from the library.  My mighty mighty good man supervises library trips, and I simply reap the rewards.  This time she brought home this kind of hokey, old-looking book:

But then I opened it to read to the kids one day and I was awe-struck.  We were JUST memorizing the definition of a noun, and here is a fun, colorful book about all the different forms of a noun?!  And they are soaking up every single word I read out loud?  Sign me up!

So I'm on the Ruth Heller bandwagon.  She has a whole series on the parts of speech, and to make her even more amazing, she has other educational serieses!?  (Maybe she wrote a book on how to make series plural?)

For real y'all, go check out her author page and invest in some of these gems!  Great for your kids or great gifts of other little ones!!

Click here for her author page on Amazon.

It Bears Repeating

Call Back

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back--
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And, if perchance, faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That when the heavens thundered and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you when the very air was still.

O friend, call back and tell me, for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us, and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkended sky,
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend call back--
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.

~author unknown.

In Retrospect...

I don't want to look back at pictures from my life and the first thought be about my weight.

Skinny.

Cuss word of all cuss words.

I just had a baby, and as much as that should cloud my judgement it has clarified it.  You see, I can feel as downtrodden about my physical appearance right now as I did days before Sweet Pea started forming, when I was the "skinniest" I'd been in years.

There is an obvious pattern here.  Basically, I feel incredibly insecure about my appearance, no matter what, at any given time.  You know, all the time.  But given enough time and distance--years upon years, I'll allow myself to look back and say, Dang, girl. You looked good!  And then ruining the moment I add on, If only you still did.

As mean as I am about my rolls and reflection, I feel just as empowered by my body's strength and vitality.  Lil' Bit was keeping me company while I was showering this morning--you know how lonely a hot, quiet shower can be when you're nursing and nurturing around the clock--and she asked when my belly would shrink back to normal, with a bit of a wince in her expression.  These moments are pivotal for my little women.  Will I wince as well, and plant a seed of insecurity in her own heart?
No ma'am, I will not.
Instead I told her that as silly as my belly looks, I love it.  It has held five human souls and that is probably the most incredible thing I will ever be a part of.  (And then we named our Heaven Baby, because she wants to have a name for when we think of him or her.)

My husband is incredible in this area.  After giving birth the first time.....once I realized my stomach would never look the way it did before....and I was only 22......and I hated myself....he amazingly, graciously swooped my delicate self-image into his arms and carried me over the threshold from barely-a-womanhood into motherhood.  For the first of a thousand times, he told me that he loved my belly because it brought Li'l Bit to our world.  That it was awe-inspiring, strong, a miracle, a gift.  Although I felt utter relief and gratitude that he was not disgusted by me, I couldn't see it.  I didn't get it.  For my own security I have since elicited his proclamation of adoration on numerous occasions.  But only now, after nine years and three more big, full-term babies, I think I finally agree with him.

Am I excited about losing the rest of this baby weight?
Yes.
Am I trying to do so everyday?
Yes.
But am I hating my body all along the way?
No.

I am taking almost every healthy step I can to care for this vessel.  It is very hard to care for something you hate.

I'll say that again:  It is very hard to care for something you hate.

I have actually been surprised by how smoothly these first few, ahem, dozens-of pounds have come off.  It makes total sense now.  Hating my body only lends itself to a vicious cycle of hunger, depravity, and punishment followed by over-indulgence, guilt, and shame.  It is not only unhealthy but also entirely unproductive.  Like a lot of women I have spent most of my years stuck in that cycle.  It's miserable, y'all.  I don't want to be there anymore.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life there.

This has been the first postpartum period in which I have truly appreciated and honored my body for what it has done for our family.  I am feeding it good things whenever it is hungry.  I am trying to lay it down whenever it needs rest.  I am slathering it with sweet smelling soap and flattering it with make-up.  I am adorning it with clothes that feel good and look good.  And as soon as my baby cooperates, I will take it to the gym and do that which makes all of me feel better--namely, that work-out-concluding visit to the sauna.

What's different about this postpartum period?  Why now and not before?  Well that, my dears, is a whole other discussion.  One I hope to find time for sooner rather than later.

But for now, I am proclaiming a new resolution:  when I look back at pictures from my life I want to see the souls, the life, the love, the events--the memories at the center.  Not my waist and number of chins.

By taking care of myself, I take my self out of the center.

You can just imagine the stretch marks this big girl caused.

In Which Our Baby Is Born

It's only two days past my due date and I wake up at 4:15 a.m.  I think it's just my back bothering me.  When I return to bed I realize these are real contractions.  I lay there for 45 minutes feeling my body work.  At 5 o'clock I wake B.daddy and tell him to pack his bag.  I call my midwife, the midwife on call, Li'l Bit's birth partner (Stac), and our friends who will watch the other two.  I gently wake Li'l Bit who jumps up in great excitement slurring, "Is it time?! Are you having contractions?! Let me get my bag!"  She has been so elated to attend her baby sister's birth.  By 6:15 we were on our way to the hospital.  The timing could not have been more perfect to get all our supporters in all the right places at the right time.

Twenty minutes in triage, 4-5 centimeters ready, and we were in our L&D room shortly after 7 with a fresh shift of helpers.  All totaled I had my posse of four (including my midwife) plus two other midwives and our L&D nurse, Beth.
It's time.  Let's do this.
I realized after the fact that I was terrified to face this labor.
After waiting so long for this sweet one....after loss and heartache...more waiting...after bleeding and worry and fearful ultrasounds....I didn't allow myself to believe we would actually get to have this baby.  Deep within I worried that she would never be ours.  I couldn't put this into words while the contractions pulled my body into shape, but it nagged at me until the work of labor was too great to allow any feeling or thought.
Labor went pretty quickly.  Lights out in the bathroom, I sat in the bath as Stac, B.daddy, and Jill took turns with me in silence, whispering encouragement, pouring warm water over my belly, bringing ice water and juice to my lips, breathing with me.  Li'l Bit would tip-toe in every now and then to give me a sweet kiss and a nurturing word. Then she'd go back to her joke book and entertaining the hospital staff.  When transition came, we shifted the earth which was my body out of the water to allow gravity to lend a hand.
The room that was filled with quiet chatter and laughter now fell silent as the full force of life pulled us all in together.
I could hear my husband's tears falling beside me...
Stac whispering reassurance to Li'l Bit...
Jill breathing deep and whispering words of focus...
I felt my entire world pulling on me.  No thought, no word, just breathe.
Between contractions I'd sit back and weep, not for the pain but out of awe.  All I could think was, "I can't believe He's letting me do this again.  I can't believe I get to have her."
The time came to push.  She was still very high, and I was caught off guard by how hard this part of it was.  Pushing had always been so easy for me.  How thankful I was that all three of my partners were there that day!  I needed each of them.  Eventually, our little girl came barreling straight down facing my left side.  Between pushes she somehow twisted her body and crowned again, only facing to the right.  Her head emerged, but her shoulder was stuck.  I felt her long leg stretch out and kick high above my belly button.  There was a 40 second period of urgent commands and maneuvers all around the room, all around my body.  Three midwives put there hands on me and delivered my baby safely with no harm to her little body.  It was 10:30 on the dot.  Because of the dystocia and meconium, she had to go to the pediatrician first.

Longest three minutes of my life.

She was here.  She was finally here!  I couldn't see her, my arms ached to hold her.  I lay in the bed, totally exhausted, crying, "I want her.  I want her.  Can I have her now?"  After the all-clear and the jubilant weigh-in of 10 lbs. 9 oz. B.daddy put her on my chest.  This is that moment.  That pure, warm, euphoric, peaceful moment these 9 months have brought.  All is well and I finally get to lay eyes on my baby girl's face, smell her skin, hold her body to mine.

Li'l Bit needed to leave the room right after the bustle of delivery.  She got lots of extra special attention and a juice box from the nurses at the nurses' station. She came back in after she'd gotten the proper dose of Center-of-Attention and felt like herself again.  We all took turns holding our sweet chunk, cooing over her perfection, and stuffing our faces because I don't think any of us had eaten a thing all morning.  Our wonderful nurse made sure I was clean, warm, and well-fed before we had to move to the maternity ward.

Our amazing friends watching over our kids at home agreed to stay both nights so B.daddy could stay with baby and me.  What an enormous blessing!  For two whole days and nights we got to sit...quietly...meditatively...absorbing this sweet miracle.  Every second I felt in total awe not just that an entire human being has come into existence in our family, but that that human being is so big and strong and healthy and perfect!  Who am I, that I should be given such a gift?

How to Buy Food For People Who Actually Eat

*This is the type of post I avoid reading on other blogs.  It's long and wordy and is about what works for me.  Please don't bother with it if it's not helpful. If you do read it, I've included lots of adorable photos of the kids from way back!

There is one thing about which I am anal-retentively disciplined.  Only one. (It's all I can manage at a time.)
Grocery shopping.
I struggled with this for years, because I quite passionately detest grocery shopping.  It involves spending money, engaging with strangers, and heavy lifting.  Then managing three ruffians in public on top of all that--nightmares ensue!  I've tried various ways of acquiring groceries over the last eleven years.  I even used grocery delivery for a short time.  But, over the last two years I have finally settled into a system that works for me.  I will share it with you today, but take it or leave it.  What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander.

Since I hate this task, I counter-attack the unpleasant variables.  I give you my parameters:

Doing a little grocery shopping of his own.

1)  Get it done as cheaply as possible.
2)  Get it done as peacefully and quickly as possible. (No crowds.)
3)  Do not involve the children or impose upon their school days.

So, where, when, and how do I stay within these parameters?

Where: There is one grocery store in Massachusetts that has the best prices.  One.  Market Basket.  Therefore, going to Market Basket means girding your loins, applying war paint, and braving the hoards of aggressive,  grumpy shoppers.  BUT, if you go at 7 a.m. as soon as the doors open?  Well, you only have a dozen shopping buddies.  And they are much nicer than the 10 a.m. crowd!
So that is When I go.  Every Saturday at 7 a.m.  Habit is essential!  If I don't do it on that day at that time I risk far less efficient shopping, which results in spending too much money and one heck of a cranky headache.  I realize 7 a.m. on a Saturday is not when one wants to be out of bed or doing a chore.  But, right now, it is the best thing for the whole family.  Shopping with the kids is not good.  I can't think clearly and compare prices when they are running around begging for discipline.  And their requests.....well, if I don't warn them ahead of time to NOT. ASK. FOR. A. SINGLE. THING. after much frustration and fussing (on my part) I will eventually buckle and buy them some silly something.  Or we'll all leave the store very near tears.  Or both.  OR if they are perfect angels throughout the trip, I will be so grateful that I'll buy them some silly treat.  Also, going at that time doesn't infringe upon our weekday schedule or take away from any plans we have for the weekend.  It feels so good to get the groceries put away by 8:30 a.m. knowing that our kitchen is fully stocked and ready for whatever the weekend brings.

Nonsense in the kitchen.

The when is directly correlated to the How.  I plan one week menus and shop once a week.*  I plan my menu on Friday nights. I know. So exciting.  But it works.  By Friday I know more or less what our weekend is going to look like.  And I know for sure what the weekdays will hold.  As I plan the menu I build the grocery list adding breakfast and lunch items as I go.  My planning always takes into account what our finances look like from week to week.  I have a cap budget that is the same every week; I aim to spend less than that.  However some weeks need to be lean while some are more lenient.  For instance, if we have a birthday coming up, I'll go extra lean knowing I'm going to make an extra special meal and dessert the following week.  Just stuff like that.

Planning and Saving Strategies

Aren't birthday cakes the whole reason we have birthdays?

Our weeks have settled into a fairly predictable routine.  It's kind of like this: Mondays are always exhausting and B.daddy has a thing that evening, so we all have frozen pizza.  (When I can I'll make these from scratch on Saturday and freeze them.) Tuesday is a CrockPot meal 'cause the kids and I have a thing until 5:30.  Wednesday is leftovers from Tuesday.  Thursday is another big meal, and usually the one night we are guaranteed to be sitting down to a beautifully set table with candles and all bodies present.  Friday is leftovers again, since the kids have a thing that evening.  So really, I only cook-cook twice during the week.  I do it this way because we homeschool, and I get WAY too distracted from my teaching responsibilities when I know there's a delicious meal waiting to be made.  So I know that nine times out of ten, I need to plan on making two large meals each week.  (The summer routine is very different.  I cook smaller meals and more often.  The oven is only used for bread or dessert, we grill a lot, and eat cold pasta salads and fresh veggies.  It is by far the more interesting culinary season in our home.)

Ah, the summer tart!

Saturday and Sunday are more unpredictable.  Between projects, activities, and social engagements I may need to prepare one, two, or no meals.  We guard our Sunday rest and worship...well...religiously, so I try not to plan meals that will require too much time in the kitchen.  It can still be grand and delicious; I just have to plan ahead and do some work on Saturday or pick one of those ingenious recipes that tastes amazing but takes no time at all.

Before I plan my meals I check the sales in meat and produce.  I'll skim the rest of the products on sale for my staple items, but our heavy hitters are meat and produce.

Fresh fruit and homemade bread?  Yes, please!
Oh, and don't forget the cinnamon butter!

Produce is pretty much our snack food.  My kids aren't huge snackers--if they do ask for something I tell them to grab some fruit or veggies.  That way we don't spend very much on snack-type food, and they don't get too full to eat their next meal.  And I consider what is on sale when planning main dishes and salads for supper.
Meat, meat, meat.  We are a carnivorous family.  You know we are having a LEAN week if we have meatless meals.  So my menu plan centers around what meat is the cheapest at the store.  You have to remember that some meats will have a great per pound price, but you're buying the skin and bone as well.  This can make a very big difference in how many portions you can squeeze out of it.  My goal is to spend less than $2 a pound.

Chocolate mornings.

~In my 'hood the best meat per pound is usually chicken.  Whole roasters are the best.  I prepare it as a roast chicken one night, and we pick it clean after dinner.  All that leftover meat can easily make an entire casserole or soup or whatever.  My little trick for having dinner guests and roasting chicken: most kids love the drumsticks.  So I'll do a whole chicken, plus a package of drumsticks.  Makes it all go much further--and drumsticks are cheap.
~Boneless, skinless chicken thighs are great for almost anything.  Works for our family b/c none of us are white meat purists.
~Bone-in ham.  Ham is tricky.  Depending on the preparation and packaging it can either be really cheap or really expensive.  I find the portion that has had almost no processing.  It's just a giant chunk of meat with a big ol' bone in it.  It's an "investment" meat--I cut it up and freeze it. After I cut it accordingly, I can usually squeeze three or four meals out of it--assuming the ham is not the only ingredient in the main dish--and also have the bone w/ a bit of meat on it.  I use the bone portion when I'm making something like Red Beans and Rice or Black-Eye Peas.
~Pork/Pork Chops--depends on the sale price.  Sometimes a pork loin goes on sale and I'll snatch two of those puppies up. Er, piggies?
~Beef--sadly, ground beef is no longer the cheap, meal maker it used to be.  There are two stores--not MB--where I can usually get ground beef for $2.50 per lb. or less.  I'll stock up when I can get to those stores. When I want a semi-fancy dinner though, I'll get a flank-type steak, grill it; slice it, and serve it over a spinach salad w/ crazy-good bread.

As I said in my last post, I make most things from scratch which saves us a lot of dough.
~I try to avoid buying prepared cereals.  We are fully stocked on them right now, because we are gearing up for baby girl's arrival.  But under normal circumstances, I try to stick to oatmeal, eggs, toast, and fruit for breakfast.  Or pancakes if I want to push school back by a couple hours. ;)
~I do buy pretzels and crackers for my two carb-loving men.  They are healthier and cheaper than chips, which is what they'd really love to have.  And Gizmo could eat a constant stream of carbs and still be able to eat supper.
~And regarding carb-lovers, I try to make sure there is bread at supper and alter most recipes to include whole wheat flour.  A side of bread makes the rest of the food go further, and ensures that picky-eating little ones still get a full tummy.  There are plenty of easy breads like cornbread, beer bread, and drop-style biscuits.  But yeast rolls smell soooooooo good in the oven!  Obviously not a gluten-free-friendly tip.
~Veggies--on top of the main dish and bread i like to have two veggie sides. The more choices, the better chances kids will get something they'll eat.

The Rascal has always been my sous-chef.

~As far as cooked veggies go, my kids will eat cooked green beans, corn, peas, and lima beans.  Yep, that's about it!  I get those from the frozen aisle because most vitamins, minerals, and nutrients survive the freezing process better than they do the canning process.  And you get more for your buck that way.  So most of our veggies are consumed raw via snacks, lunch sides, or salads at dinner.
~Potatoes, pasta, and rice.  Three great staples for hearty meals.  Potatoes are pretty self-explanatory.  Roasting them is the best for our fam because "someone", who tends to be our pickier eater, will NOT eat mashed potatoes.  Just as well.  Roasted w/ a touch of olive oil, salt, red pepper, and rosemary is delicious and healthier.  If you've ever eaten my mashed potatoes you know what I mean!
~I like to buy whole grain pasta--such an easy way to get whole grains into another meal.  Sometimes you just have to have pure, white angel hair pasta, but as often as I can we do whole grain pasta.
~Rice is essential in most kitchens, and brown rice is an excellent way to get in more whole grains.  Brown rices are not stripped of their---you know, the stuff that makes them a whole grain. ;)  So that's what I aim for.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to plan next week's dinner menu.

*I tried the two week method for several years, planning a two week menu and making one big trip every two weeks.  But I found that I still needed to go to the store on the by-weeks and the cost of that always put me over my budget.  Plus, plans change!  Between the people we feed, the people who feed us, and whatever else comes up last minute--two weeks was too long to try to keep to one plan.  So I figured, adjust the budget to spend the same amount every week, safeguard against those emergency in-between trips, and have a better idea of what we'll actually need on hand.  I waste far less food this way, and I rarely end up with not enough of something.

How To Feed People Who Actually Eat

If I click on one more blog that boasts, "How to Feed Your Family for $30 a Week! (Oh, btw, my husband and I only eat 6 ounces of solid food a day and our ONE CHILD is solely breastfed)," I'm going to scream.  I mean, seriously, y'all.

Our food-loving family!

One of my hearty eaters.

MY husband and I LOVE to eat good, real, rich food!  And we love to feed people.  (I love people who love to eat!)  So we have dinner guests on the regular.  As our kids get bigger they are becoming even more hearty consumers than before.  The giant meals I used to make that would last us three days may now only last two.  So I'm facing a new challenge: how to still feed us to full, while not making a complete meal, from scratch, everyday--and not spending a ton.

Feeding a very cute crowd!

Here's my deal about making things from scratch:  First, it's almost always the cheapest way.  I can make two dozen of Aunt Suzie's amazing crescent rolls for pennies, or I can buy a bag of 8-10 for five bucks.  There is really no comparison in either taste or cost.  Second, it's also the healthiest way.  We eat very little processed food in our Messy kitchen, and it's not because I have strong convictions about eating local, organic, grass-fed, antibiotic-free, etc.  It just makes sense to eat real food made from real ingredients.  It tastes better and there's more of it. :)

One of our first shared meals in our Messy dining room.

Here's my deal about making exceptions:  I know there are times when one cannot make a real meal for the family to eat.  If it's just a crazy day then I'll pull out some frozen pizzas or order in.  If it's a short season, like say, first trimester morning sickness, I'll buy a ton of convenience food--breakfasts and lunches my kids can pull out of the fridge and eat, dinner components my man can throw together when he gets home from work.  If that short season turns into a long season, like say, an entire pregnancy of physical trials, I'll combine all of the above with one or two super easy Crock Pot meals a week.  And no rolls from scratch. :(

All I'm saying is I get that we can't always give it our all in the kitchen, because our all is demanded elsewhere.  But most of us can't drop $300 a week on groceries.

Thinking about this topic has prompted me to share a recipe that I use often.  I pull it out when We. Need. Meat. but I don't have the time or energy to put into a hearty meal.  You can alter the portions to feed a little or a lot.  I made the following portions this weekend and fed our family twice, plus two darling, hearty-eating friends. (Did I mention I love people who love to eat?)  And there's still enough for B.daddy to take some for lunch today.

It seems like an obvious recipe to me, so I apologize if it's old news to you.  But every time I serve it up I get asked how I made such delicious, delectable chicken sandwiches!

Super Easy Barbecue Chicken Sandwiches

4-5 lbs. boneless, skinless chicken thighs*
1 bottle Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce
2 pkgs. sandwich buns

~Squirt a little bit (about 2 Tbsp.) of bbq sauce in the bottom of your Crock Pot.  Put all the chicken on top of that.  Squirt some more sauce on top (about 1 cup.)  Cook on low all day or on high all afternoon.
~After cooking is complete, pull out two forks, a shallow plastic dish, and a 2-quart oven-safe dish.  Take out thighs one at a time and pull apart with forks in the plastic dish, then put the pulled meat in the oven-safe dish. (I use the plastic dish as a go between b/c my spine tingles when the forks scrape across the Corningware a thousand times.)  Do this to all the meat in the Pot, and make sure you get all those lovely tidbits that fell off into the sauce.
~When all the meat is pulled apart, spoon some of the Pot juice over it to keep the moisture level high but not saturated.  Nobody wants soggy buns. You can also add more bbq sauce now, or wait and let everyone decide how much they want on their sandwiches.
~Cover your dish well and keep the meat warm (@ low heat) until supper time.

You're done.
It's that easy.

When I'm not too busy or too tired, I'll make a giant potato salad to go on the side.  Since I am both of those things right now I did frozen fries (though slicing potatoes and roasting them to make fries is cheaper and still very easy) and corn for our sides.  Worked like a charm.

So there you have an extremely easy meal that almost anyone can enjoy, and it's pretty dang cheap.
*Boneless, skinless chicken thighs are always cheaper than breasts, but just as easy and versatile.  Especially for this recipe, I prefer thighs because they produce a far juicier end product.  I stock up when they are on sale.

Disclaimer:
I fully admit that this recipe in no way makes use of a "barbecue" or any type of purist barbecue method.  I am deeply sorry to disappoint you Hallowed Meat Gods, and apologize for misusing the word "barbecue" in the naming of my recipe.