DogGoneIt!

My darling Babydaddy drove us home tonight.  From New Hampshire.  In the snow. In a front wheel drive minivan.  It's really not that big of a deal....except for all the horror stories and terrible fears my brain has entertained.  Yeah, no big deal.  I'm just so keyed up to be home--alive and completely thaw--that I need to update my blog when nothing interesting has happened lately.

I must say, though, this whole driving home in a snow storm thing is my dog's fault.  I often take him along when we go to see our friends in NH.  We're always gone for hours and hours, and I feel bad for him being alone all that time.  But some days I just want to hang out with my friends without keeping an eye on our toddler-puppy.  So I left him at home today when we headed north for a b.day party followed by a delightful dinner.  The snow came a gully washer and we had to start our drive home.  But, truly, we were not ready for the drive at all.  Our friends told us we could stay, Ladybug was already asleep, we were all so warm and cozy in their big, beautiful, clean home.  The ONLY reason we drove home, instead of taking up our friends on their offer, was our dog.  Our dadgum dog.  We couldn't stand the thought of him staying in his bed, all alone, with no one to let him out to potty.  So we packed up our sleepy, precious children and headed home in the type of weather you avoid.  You know, of course, every time we'd see a car stuck in the median, headlights facing the wrong direction, B.daddy would say, "This is when I hate having a dog."  And I love that about him.  He loves the dog I made him get so much, that he hates it.

Christmas was good.  B.daddy has been working extra hard during extra hours, and I've been keeping things afloat at home.  So we're both exhausted.  But I am thankful that I have a man who is a man who will work his fingers to the bone for his family.  This week of Christmas has been awesome.  He took a week of vaca from Job #1, and only had a few days at Job #2.  Our kids are old enough now that we can actually sleep in a bit.  (I NEVER thought I'd say those words!!! *Angels singing*)  Excepting Christmas morning, we've slept till eight or nine.  There was one day when they actually let me sleep till ten--or was it eleven?  Either way, it was pretty dang awesome.  Next week is technically a school vacation week, but B.daddy's going back to work, and I know the kids and I need to get back into a routine.  Ugh.  If only everyday could be vacation....without me turning into an overgrown louse.  If only.

Hold Wide the Door

...where meek souls will receive him,
still the dear christ enters in.

where children pure and happy
pray to the blessed child,

where misery cries out to thee,

son of the mother mild,
where charity stands watching
and faith holds wide the door,

the dark night wakes,

the glory breaks,

and christmas comes once more...

My husband and spawn humored me (once again) on Monday night.  We went to hear the Harvard University Choir perform their annual Christmas Carol Service.  Hark! The beauty my ears beheld!  Traditional carols--Scottish, Flemish, Welsh, and American. A freaking PIPE ORGAN! Procession hymn in Latin; Silent Night sung simultaneously in German and English.  Such glorious music vibrating through my core!  When Gizmo was not climbing the balcony wall in his snow boots, I was in pure bliss.

Obviously, we're talking about Harvard here.  I take my kids to these (free) types of events to expose them to the finest forms of music and art.  A "worship service" held at One Harvard Yard isn't exactly where I expect to worship.  But neither was the side of my baby's crib, the mall bathroom, or the pond where my kids were knee-deep feeding the ducks their lunch.  He surprises us sometimes with joy.
Even sad joy.

Our hearts are still sore and aching for all the babies and their parents who are reeling with grief.
Our minds combatting this side or that of gun control, mental illness, politics.
A world that is so broken, our hearts strike with fear.
But hasn't it always been broken?
Why should we expect America to fare any better than Isreal or Sudan?

I'm not very good at political thinking.  I have a thorough distaste for such discussions on T.V., Facebook, or in my living room.  I'm wired for Ground Zero.  Ground Zero is the people I love.  I couldn't give a rat's what's going on in the news, so long as I'm able to love and nurture those closest to me.  Maybe that's short-sighted, maybe it's self-centered.  This is what I know: if B.daddy and I are not good parents to our children, this world is just going to have a few more souls to heap on the pile of Messed Up.  Ground Zero is where I work to lift up those who will lift up infinitely more.

My mind has been spinning with all of this since Friday.  Pulled in all these directions, then shaking myself back to the reality that all I can do is love.
Love my Lord,
love my man,
love my babies,
love my brothers and sisters,
love the broken-hearted and despairing.
I have plenty of these in my life.  With eyes to see and ears to hear, we all do.

So in this High Church-esque service, surrounded by stupidly smart, intimidating brains, I find myself singing O Little Town of Bethlehem.  And in an instant, I'm at my Father's feet, crying misery and tiny coffins and aching arms, and Oh, dear Lord have mercy on me!  I can't stand knowledge of such pain.  What hope do I hold out to my babies that's not followed by, at least I hope so?

Oh that my faith would hold wide the door...
that I may hope no matter how many tragedies I file under Seen It....
that I may love these children pure and happy.

the dark night wakes,

and glory breaks,

and christmas comes once more...

Mercy

When I was a child I thought like a child.
I didn't have reference points to interpret loss, tragedy, and deep disappointment.  I viewed my mom, other women, men, towering above with great tears rolling out over things--no, over words I didn't know.  Ignorance and innocence were on my side.
I am older now.  I am a wife, a mother, a friend.  I do have reference points for pain, sadness, and disappointment. I have been loved so much and learned to love more truly.  To love truly is to risk everything.  The world that once made me dream of greatness now grieves my spirit.  My heart aches.
You know, I think I might be able to imagine what it would feel like to lose my 8-year-old daughter.  Might.  Because the instant my mind begins to grasp just one millisecond of what has to be the worst pain and torture on Earth, a planetary vacuum of the soul shuts down all systems.  I'm physically reeling, crying for others, "I can't even imagine!"  It is so crushing, our minds will not even allow us to imagine it.
When the Tsumani hit the coast of the Indian Ocean in 2004, I had only been a mom for 4 months.  I had hardly begun to grasp the gravity of life given and life lost.  My husband and I listened to an NPR interview with John Piper. He was calling on God's mercy, and exhorting all human beings to do the same.  I respected his perspective, but I couldn't quite connect the dots between mass destruction and repentance.
I understand now.
The answer is in the imagination.  That moment when your soul dry heaves at the picture of your worst possible grief?  It's the moment right after that. In that moment I feel the weight of what I've been given, Who has given it, and Who can take it away.  In that moment I am weeping, repenting, and pleading for mercy.  Because I believe He is sovereign, all knowing, and all powerful, I am literally at His mercy.  He owes me nothing.  I owe Him my life.  He is always good and just, whether His plans make me happy or turn my life into a black hole.  I am at His mercy, and what a wretched sinner am I!
Oh, but in His mercy...In His mercy is where we find ourselves.  He has sealed me in His love for all eternity.  He has promised that nothing can separate me from His love.  I cry thank you, thank you, thank you, and plead daily that He protect our family and not allow tragedy in.  But the hardest truth of all is that I believe He is my all loving Father, no matter how much pain He might allow me to feel.  That is a statement of faith I weakly hope can be refined by lesser fires than we have discussed here.

Into Antiquity

On Thanksgiving, B.daddy and I enjoyed our tenth anniversary.  Ten seems to be a big deal, so we did some actual celebrating.  I don't need much more than that to plan a weekend away!  However, I think year eight deserved the celebration, because pulling through year seven was a miracle.  And I do not use that word lightly.  Maybe I'll write on that one of these days.

I found a cozy cabin on Pawtuckaway Lake--love that name!  Grammie and Poppy came up for the weekend.  The kids loved spending time with them!  Since we lived with them for eight months in Arkansas, I think this was an especially sweet reunion.

Our mission was simple: shop Antique Alley and enjoy every minute of downtime.  I packed a bunch of food I'd made ahead of time, so we only had to eat out once.  I actually loved eating in.  Going out to eat has been one of those little treats I love to indulge in.  But eating out for every meal over three days can be a bit much.  And I feel it adds anxiety when we're in a phase of life where we should be ever careful with our resources.  It was so relaxing to head for the cabin after a day full of walking and shopping and blustery winds.  We'd crank the fire up and enjoy the quiet of being the only two souls in our tiny world.

We got to see some really cool stuff on Antique Alley.  Some shops were more like museums with "true" antiques costing hundreds and thousands of dollars.  It was fun to speculate as to the purpose of some of these odd items.  Most shops were more approachable with good stuff at reasonable prices.  A few barns were full of junk--the buildings themselves were more interesting.

Here are some of the fun things we saw...

How cool would this marble table be in my kitchen?  Perfect for pastries!

It weighs, like, a TON!

With the marble to the right of my stove, I'd put this puppy on the left.  How beautiful it is!

On our dinner out, being silly, drinking yummy Irish coffee.

It was soooooo good!  *The Barley House in Concord, NH--everything was delicious!*

One of those funny things you see antiquing.  A little lady's tricycle.

Mustache cup.  Awesome.  Wanted to get it for J. Baylor, since he always has a mustache and he's always drinking coffee. :)

Thought this was fun--it's like a bachelor skillet.  Perfect for preparing a fully fried meal for one.

Alas.  I have expensive taste.  Wanted these bowls SO bad, but the whole set was just too much.  Another day....

These mugs are just like the ones I would drink out of at Josh and Meghan's every Sunday.  Made me miss her so!

In the end, we got a few small things.  A plate and bowl for my mismatched china, old books for the kids, an iron sconce, and a whole lot of ideas for the future!

Here's an antique we got for free.  (Well, considering how much we paid for this house, maybe it wasn't so free.)  B.daddy found this ladder in our attic.  He cleaned it up, cut it down a smidge, and now we have a blanket rack in our living room.

And They're Off

We've delivered our first batch of Gingerbread Girls! One of my sweetest, dearest friends just found out that her sixth little sweetie is a girl, much to everyone's surprise.  I love these kinds of surprises!  So I dropped those yummies off with my oldest sweetie who is now having her first ever, away from home sleep over.  She has been "tingling all day with excitement" and every once in a while her "eyes have actually watered up" with glee.  She's going to have a ball!

On the way back, I deposited this year's Christmas cards in the nearest blue box.  It feels so nice to get those out this year.  Last year was....well, too sad for me.  I wasn't up to it.  So it feels good to send smiles and love to our friends and family and really mean it.  Watch your mailboxes for the adorable puppy in Christmas pajamas!

This year's winner.

 

Post-picture pillow fight!

It's been a fun day, and we're ending it with Irish Beef Stew and Biscuits--my favorite!  I hope all is well with all y'all. :)

Sacrifice

When my husband got home from work yesterday, I had just gotten out of the shower.  As in, I walked around smellin' funky because I didn't have a moment to myself until 5:30.
P. M.
That shower felt soooooo good.  I went straight to PJ's and B.daddy's Buffalo Grill sweatshirt.  Feeling warm from my head to my toes, I soon found myself sitting on the couch with a sleepy Rascal on my lap and a glass of wine in my hand.  Bliss!
Tonight my husband got home from work, and I looked just like I did the night before.  Minus the shower and the warm fuzzies.  Same PJ pants.  Same sweatshirt--but now with coffee spilled on it.
My house is a wreck.  My kids are surviving on Cheerios and pretzels.  My dog stinks to high heaven.
You'd think I had a newborn to take care of, or felt seriously ill, or was sinking into depression.
But, no.  You know what it is?
We started school yesterday.
We took a two week break for our anniversary and Thanksgiving.  Two blessed weeks to clean and cook and plan and read and check Facebook and Pinterest and watch mindless t.v.  Being the forgetful soul I am, I wondered during those two weeks why I couldn't always keep my house so neat and tidy.  Why can't I tackle one major project a day?  Why can't I usually cook five meals ahead of time?  Why can't I always feel so rested and refreshed?
Oh, now I remember!
I'm here all day long, but I can't actually do anything.
I'm schoolin' my kiddos, which means I have something very closely resembling a full-time job.  I enjoy this job--most of the time--and I'm thankful everyday that I get to keep these three people so warm and safe and near.  In the end, that's what keeps me doing it.  The fact that I get to be with my kids all day.
I remember very well the days of having these tiny, demanding people tugging on me morning till night....and on into the night.  In those days I wished hourly that someone would just watch my kids and let me be alone!  Imagine my surprise when I realized a couple years later that I actually love spending everyday with these hooligans!  So much so that I'll keep homeschooling when every fiber of my unstructured, rule-breaking being wants to do anything but.
So here I am, doing what comes so unnaturally to be with the people I want most to be with.
I guess you could say I'm feeling the sacrificing end of the bargain today.  Sacrificing some of my standards, so I won't drive myself insane when the bathroom is messy and dinner is just so-so.  Sacrificing sleep if I want a hot shower to start the day.  Sacrificing long-distance phone calls and play dates because I really can't spare a minute.  Any minute I'm not teaching my kids I'm trying to either, 1) clean behind their ears, 2) read and snuggle just for fun, or 3) do something about this pigsty!
Sometimes I remember to get on here and groggily write this all down.  Not often enough.  I have sisters near and far who are either in this boat or climbing in.  We need each other.  We need to be able to seek as well as give advice.  We need to laugh at our own ridiculousness and commiserate over the desperate moments.  We need to hear that we aren't the only ones wearing PJ's all day.  And for that, you will always have me.

I Bought My Dog Christmas Pajamas

No, seriously. I bought my dog Christmas pajamas.  I took him to Petco to get his facial and pedicure--i.e. I can't groom those parts of his anatomy--and I saw rows and rows of Christmas gear for dogs and cats.  As in sweaters, coats, running gear, Santa costumes, etc.  I was super tempted to get him a cheesy Christmas sweater, but I controlled the urge.  It's silly to dress animals.  Clothes are for persons.  Persons.  Not animals.
Well, then we went to Target to run another errand, and would you believe what I saw?!  Christmas pajamas for dogs.  For dogs!  This is significant because our family's Christmas card photo always includes the entire Jones clan decked out in Christmas PJ's. (Except last year. Sorry, no card.)  How could I NOT get those adorable little PJ's for only $9.99.
Whether that's ten bucks waisted or well spent, I don't care.  I have officially prioritized my dog's existence over ten bucks in my pocket.
I always wanted another sweet Shih Tzu to love. (Harvey was the love of my life for 15 years before he passed away.)  But I could not believe my husband jumped on my bandwagon last May.  Maybe he knew we were nearing our lost baby's due date and I'd need some comfort.  Or maybe he just saw enough photos of adorable Shih Tzu puppies.  They really are the cutest puppies on. the. face. of. the. Earth.
Seriously.  They are.
Long story short, our little creature shipped up to Boston via The Shermee Express, and we've been in love ever since.  As soon as he got here I was struck by what a comfort he actually was.  To hold him, to feed him, to be near him when he sleeps.  There is something very Unfallen about mankind looking after animals.  But I'm pretty darn Fallen, so it struck me as strange.  Still does.
In the end though, I know that this hairy, smelly creature is a blessing from God.  Do you think that maybe God comforts us where we are--even if it appears ridiculous to us?  To others?  I think God cares enough about us that ridiculous doesn't matter.
So we have a dog.  And I got him Christmas pajamas.
And he most definitely will be on our Christmas card this year.

Beware: B.daddy Brag

I try really hard to not brag.  My husband.  My kids.  They make it really hard to not brag.  I usually manage to control the impulse to shout out to the world how awesome they all are.  And then B.daddy goes and does something like this...

It has been a long day.  And tonight was going to be my night out.  (Oh yeah.  He gives me a night out every week.  He knew before I did that I need to be Alone on a regular basis.)  See, he wanted to work from home today, so he could handle home maintenance appointments.  But meetings at work...you know the drill.  So I schooled our kids on how to play hooky and not get caught on discipline and the three R's and the Romantic Period.  Instead of packing the kids in the van AS SOON as lessons were complete and heading to Trader Joe's for a cheap bottle of wine, I had to stay here to let strange men into my house and ask them Man Questions about boilers and radiators and chimneys. B.daddy knows that this sort of situation makes me very uncomfortable, which is why he wanted to be home to handle it. But he couldn't. 

To top that off, my hard workin' man called around 6 to let me know he was on his way home.  Forty minutes away. This is SUPER late if I'm going to have a night out.  I just said, grab a bottle of wine on your way home and that'll be my night out. It was too late to do anything, and frankly I was too tired to even put on jeans and go see a movie.

Not only does he come home with a bottle from my favorite label, he brought me their best pinot noir.  This is a big deal.  A very big deal.  So right now I'm sipping the best wine I've had in years listening to my Babydaddy wrestle with our hooligans.  He'll read to them, sing with them, and put them to bed.  All while I sit here and feel grateful and blessed.  That's my kind of night.  My kind of man.

I'm done bragging.

Accepting a homemade Christmas gift, which included a one dollar bill. :)

Sailing on the Adriatic Sea.

It's almost that time of year again!

Compulsive Pumpkin

Every October I am overcome by a compulsion to put pumpkin in everything I make.  Even chili--it's soooooo good!  Yesterday I started baking and I simply could not stop.  (I bake the stress right out of my head. It's a coping mechanism.)  I made Pumpkin Butterscotch Cookies and Pumpkin Yeast Bread.  I used the yeast dough to make monkey bread* as well as a little loaf that was supposed to look like a pumpkin.  My husband didn't know what it was supposed to be. :)

All the recipes are linked above if you want to try any of them.  I dare you to try the chili.  It has a surprising and delightful flavor.  I keep it mild so my kiddos can eat it without protest, but I'm sure you can pepper it up if you want to.

*For the monkey bread, I let the dough rise for an hour.  Then I punched it down and pulled out small rolls; I rolled those in sugar and cinnamon and put them in a greased bundt pan.  Then I made a basic brown sugar and spice syrup (brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, cream or milk; boil one minute--sorry I don't have measurements--just eye-balled it) to pour over the top.  I let it rise in the pan for about 20-30 minutes, then baked it @ 350 for a 55 minutes.  Then I inverted it on a cake plate.

Living Room Before & After

Okay. I've done it.  I've gathered all the photos I have of our living room.  The photo journal takes you from the day we tore the ceiling down to today.  Today we still have to hang our beloved photos, maps, art, and whatnots.  I'm going to make roman shades in a black and white ticking, but I need to have a little more time on my hands before I tackle that.  We've been covering the windows at night with table cloths because Bruiser will howl at our reflections.  He's a good, little guard dog.  Also we're going to get a braided rug for the center of the room, and some sort of perfect vintage, cottage-style coffee table that's not too country. :)  Minor details.

We are LOVING our new space, a space B.daddy and I designed completely and totally to our own tastes. (And the kids' taste according to Li'l Bit who is basically dictating my entire post for me.) ;)  So, enough talk.  You have a ton of photos to scroll through!

Ladybug is showing off for before pictures.

 

B.daddy tore down the entire ceiling--I couldn't.  I filled those black trash bags and kinda' felt like Baby on Dirty Dancing.  "I carried a watermelon."

Always getting new battle scars.

Above--Powder Post Beetle damage that B.daddy had to figure out how to fix.  This one was a stumper, but you'll see....he did an awesome job!

Finishing the Room Off!  I finally had something I could do to help.

I painted the radiator.  Perfect example of male and female collaboration.  He wanted iron black, I wanted off white.  His would have been too strong, mine too feminine.  The soft, copper tone we chose together fits the room perfectly!

My adorable daughter keeping me company.  She was the only child allowed within ten feet of the room while I was painting.  The other two still have no clue the damage they can cause.

We replaced the window trim to match the original trim throughout the house.  Let me tell ya! It is one thousand times easier to paint trim on saw horses than on the wall.  I was so thankful for that.

So here the painting is ALLLLL done, and I realized we just could not leave the floor as it was until refinishing in the future.  So we prepared to paint it, too, and now that we've painted it we may never refinish it.  We love the feel of a painted floor.

Believe it or not, this is the "clean" floor.  Mopped it three times, but stuff kept coming up.  I'm so glad we've painted it and I can actually keep it clean.  Below, my precious puppy watching me work.

The floor is all done!  We did 3 coats, plus 1/2 of one for the spot that kept bleeding red.  Then we put a heater and fan on it for a week.

And here you have it!  Below is what it looks like today.  The finishing touches will be added in time, and I'm sure I'll show them off, too.

This vent is too cool.  If you've ever read "Understood Betsy" or something from that era, maybe you've heard about them.  They put the vents in to allow the heat from the fireplace below into the room upstairs.  So when we rip up the girls' carpet we'll find a beautiful iron grate.  Finding this kind of thing is exactly why we bought an old house and started stripping it to its bones.  Below is the beam B.daddy had to add to support the main beam.  I think he chose a very aesthetically pleasing way to remedy a very unpleasing problem.  So proud of him.

Finishing details:

Roman shades in black ticking~ 

A bright, braided rug for the center of the room~

And these awesome sconces from The Period House for extra warmth and charm.

If you've made it this far you are either my mother or a very good friend. :)  We've loved (and sometimes hated) this project, and it has been so much fun to share it with everyone who actually cares to know. :)  I'll let you know what room we decide to work on next!