Happy Birthday To Me

While I was sitting on the couch drinking my decaf, french press yumminess, my eldest child brought this to me:

Could it be any more perfect? Oh, and it's not just a birthday card--it's a coloring page too. :)

A few minutes later I found this in her bedroom:

Such a sweet, sweet heart.

(I'll have to remember that later today when she's screaming at her brother.)

So, what do you DO all day?

Don't you just love that question? You state your position as stay-at-home mom, or--Heaven forbid--a homeschooling mom, and the response is usally, "Oh. So, what do you do all day?"
Gotta love it.

Well, this is what I don't do:
I don't sleep past 5:15. (a.m.)
I don't eat breakfast.
I don't drink a full cup of hot coffee. (decaf, french press. changed my life!)
I don't make it through the 8 to 9 o'clock hour without losing my temper.
I don't meet my girlfriends for lunch and cocktails.
I don't eat lunch until the kids are in their beds and asleep!
I don't make it through a single day without cleaning up some unreasonably difficult mess.
I don't ever get the whole house clean. Don't even get me started on the laundry.

But if you think I'm feeling sorry for myself, quit your judgin'!

No, seriously, of course I struggle with self-pity. What mom-of-youngins doesn't?
I cling to truth. And if I can't see the truth I have to make myself seek it out. My Father holds me up and the Spirit guides my heart. Even in stress, anger, resentment--He is merciful to show me the way.

So, what do I do all day?

I disciple. These three honkey-tonks are the most important disciples I'll ever have the opportunity to love. If I don't love them well then I will have failed at one of the most crucial love-tasks the Lord will give me.
So, I still my mind and commit my heart.
I don't get to do a million things I'd like to do. I'm not even the "type" of mom I set out to be. But what does any of that matter compared to showing my children how to love and trust the Lord?

When It Just Won't Stop

Let's talk about the weather.
I have questions, no answers, and truth be told, I don't even have a clue. So, let's just talk about the weather.
It has rained and rained and rained.
Basements flooded, then rivers crested, then streets shut down. My husband is in insurance, and flooding is not covered. This has made his job very hard.
Every time my basement of a heart floods I call on him. Over and over I make the wrong requests. I don't know my heart. And over and over it's not covered. I ask the wrong questions, and no one can help. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to fix this. This has made his job very hard. And I am paralyzed further knowing I'm making it hard on him too.
And it has rained and rained and rained.

The basement floods again and my beast tries to get out.
How I wish I could train this beast as well as I've trained myself to lock it away.
But that's the catch isn't it? You lock your beast up and you have to lock everything else up with it. Because if I let my creativity show, if I share my thoughts, and, God forbid, if I share my feelings, the beast comes right out there in the middle of the room roaring and jesting and pointing at me. So, I keep it locked in the basement.

But it just kept raining! I couldn't get my basement dried out before it would flood again, and that stupid beast kept lashing out. I was hurting my family and I was hating myself. Especially, hating myself. After so many years with the beast locked inside, I start to wonder, what if the beast is me?
What if this is really who I am?
What if this is who I will always be?