So, what do you DO all day?

Don't you just love that question? You state your position as stay-at-home mom, or--Heaven forbid--a homeschooling mom, and the response is usally, "Oh. So, what do you do all day?"
Gotta love it.

Well, this is what I don't do:
I don't sleep past 5:15. (a.m.)
I don't eat breakfast.
I don't drink a full cup of hot coffee. (decaf, french press. changed my life!)
I don't make it through the 8 to 9 o'clock hour without losing my temper.
I don't meet my girlfriends for lunch and cocktails.
I don't eat lunch until the kids are in their beds and asleep!
I don't make it through a single day without cleaning up some unreasonably difficult mess.
I don't ever get the whole house clean. Don't even get me started on the laundry.

But if you think I'm feeling sorry for myself, quit your judgin'!

No, seriously, of course I struggle with self-pity. What mom-of-youngins doesn't?
I cling to truth. And if I can't see the truth I have to make myself seek it out. My Father holds me up and the Spirit guides my heart. Even in stress, anger, resentment--He is merciful to show me the way.

So, what do I do all day?

I disciple. These three honkey-tonks are the most important disciples I'll ever have the opportunity to love. If I don't love them well then I will have failed at one of the most crucial love-tasks the Lord will give me.
So, I still my mind and commit my heart.
I don't get to do a million things I'd like to do. I'm not even the "type" of mom I set out to be. But what does any of that matter compared to showing my children how to love and trust the Lord?

When It Just Won't Stop

Let's talk about the weather.
I have questions, no answers, and truth be told, I don't even have a clue. So, let's just talk about the weather.
It has rained and rained and rained.
Basements flooded, then rivers crested, then streets shut down. My husband is in insurance, and flooding is not covered. This has made his job very hard.
Every time my basement of a heart floods I call on him. Over and over I make the wrong requests. I don't know my heart. And over and over it's not covered. I ask the wrong questions, and no one can help. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to fix this. This has made his job very hard. And I am paralyzed further knowing I'm making it hard on him too.
And it has rained and rained and rained.

The basement floods again and my beast tries to get out.
How I wish I could train this beast as well as I've trained myself to lock it away.
But that's the catch isn't it? You lock your beast up and you have to lock everything else up with it. Because if I let my creativity show, if I share my thoughts, and, God forbid, if I share my feelings, the beast comes right out there in the middle of the room roaring and jesting and pointing at me. So, I keep it locked in the basement.

But it just kept raining! I couldn't get my basement dried out before it would flood again, and that stupid beast kept lashing out. I was hurting my family and I was hating myself. Especially, hating myself. After so many years with the beast locked inside, I start to wonder, what if the beast is me?
What if this is really who I am?
What if this is who I will always be?

When The Storm Subsides...

My favorite person in the world has been traveling more than he ever has and more than he'll ever have to again...hopefully. Constant, week after week traveling. Despite the best efforts of the only three ladies I'll actually trust with my children, I was on my own a lot. Lonely a lot, in a strange Twilight Zone bubble. But, finally his last trip was over. We didn't know exactly what job he'd go back to, but at least he was home.
Thirty-six hours later I left for Arkansas. I spent a glorious weekend taking care of my oldest sister and her brand new baby girl. I had an amazing time accomplishing task after task and enjoying glorious real-life conversation without interruption. But still I did not know if my earth-bound provider would have a new, better job awaiting him. I started to wonder what I was going home to.
After eight hours of exhausted, tear soaked travel and one very scary landing I am home.
My rainy, dirty, cold Boston.
I'm home.
Me, my babies, my husband. We're all here and no one is leaving.
Finally news of the job comes down the line, and I breathe a sigh of relief. My hands set to work. I nest, I nurture, I am so happy to be home. I'm so grateful to know the plan laid immediately before our feet. His Mercy is easy on my temperament.
This life can seem just so stinking hard sometimes. And so pointless. It can be freezing, cold suffocating. I am so thankful for our Oasis. Home, love, life, loud kids, baking. And not just the five of us. Even more Purpose: To see our Oasis of people Sunday night and fill their tummies up with Love Food! To be reminded. We are here to be with our family.
But my heart wrenches within. I just left my sisters on the Arkansas ground five days ago! I craned my neck to hold onto those last seconds of nearness as the plane pulled me up. Away.
Still we are here to be with our family. We city urchins have found a warm place to dwell. A safe place to love. A table always set with a hot meal. We have found shelter.
As silly as it sounds in a cold, rain soaked city, we have all found our Oasis.



And I chuckle as I imagine Clint and Bob riding camels.