To be perfectly honest...
Today (and several days in recent past) I am just so over it. I'm sick of laundry. Tired of cleaning. Exhausted by teaching the kids to be reasonable. Sick of answering questions. Cringing at every utterance of, "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?!"
What's scary though? I don't even want to cook, to bake, to create. I hardly care to eat, because that takes effort. I'm so caught up feeding these other five crazies, one of whom EATS. FROM. MY. BODY. I don't want to mess with feeding myself.
I am pulled in so many directions by so many sets of hands....
I want to sleep (in my studio loft apartment in the city.)
I want to watch movies (on a really big screen in my studio loft apartment in the city.)
I want to eat food some master chef makes for me in HIS messy kitchen, not mine.
Those three things are NOT happening. Like ever.
But the thing is, I'm also living my dream. I'm doing exactly what my heart has desired to do since the dawn of my memory. Through my various stages of development, maturity, and education, I have wanted nothing other than to stay at home with kids to snuggle and cuddle and raise.
Motherhood is not glamorous or popular. (Despite all those sweet social media blurbs.) It's not cool. It's hard work, it's messy, it's mind numbing, it leaves marks. And there's usually a special odor that follows it around. (Today's special smell was Sweat Pea's sweet little diaper surprise....in a hot minivan stuck in traffic.) As much as we all say "it doesn't pay a thing" my husband works wicked hard so I can live this dream. But there are days when I have to call and interrupt his super stressful day to "not complain" about this dream life.
So today was THAT kind of day.
This ain't my first rodeo, y'all. I know this is one part emotion and ten parts stage of life. I know this will ebb and flow. I know all that causes this feeling and that those causes will depart from me, along with the scrumptious cheeks, sweet milk breath, and w's-for-r's. And then I will ache for more of this.
Simply put, this is Incessant Exhaustion and A Serious Touch of Boredom.
As long as Sweet Pea needs FOOD TO SURVIVE in the middle of the night, there's not a whole lot I can do about the exhaustion bit. (I really do take good care of myself, Mom.) I do what I can, but there's only so much I can control.
The Boredom issue is entirely different, especially since we're done with school. Despite my distress this morning, I got the bare necessities accomplished. Then, at the spur of the moment it was time to hit the beach!! (I actually meant to take them to a easy, little wading pool ten minutes from our house. One hour later, we were at the beach. Long story.)
Our other little dirt magnet. Skinny Binny kept losing her drawers to the great Atlantic force. Love seeing those beach bums! (See what I did there?)
There was a great expanse of knee deep water, which was just perfect. And warm! Sweet Pea and I swayed with the waves while the other three rolled about in it like dogs!
Last summer, I was too sick to take the kids to the beach. I really missed it. The ocean is one of those things in nature....like the night sky. You look at it, really look at it, for any amount of time and you realize just how enormous this world is. And just how small you and your exhaustion and boredom really are. And how could we ever be bored with All Of This?
All of this glory and gravity pulling me out.
Out There.
Out of myself.
Out of the mundane.
Into awe.
This huddle happened right before we left. It was the icing on the cake. I love, love, love seeing the kids explore the world together.
What began as a really crummy day ended as a really good day. We had more than a few obstacles to overcome, but we persevered for the glory of fun to be had! Now we're all pink from the sun, squeaky clean from post-beach showers, and exhausted from play instead of work.
And in the end, what I really needed was to stand at the edge of the world and feel so very small and so very overwhelmed by Beauty and Power.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
