The Thing About Boundaries

In a southern, Christian culture, there is much more division on the subject of drinking. Alcohol, that is. Politically it is much more frowned upon as there are "dry counties" all over the place--you can't even buy it. From a social perspective, I grew up thinking that if someone drank it meant they either weren't a Christian or had had a falling out with the Almighty. Of course, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, they have no problem whatsoever with alcohol consumption, because the tax on it is so stinking high--and they're liberals and couldn't care less about your relationship with the Almighty. Socially and politically it is much more the norm, and hardly ever the faux pas. But here's the interesting thing: every single time I bought or ordered alcohol in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maryland, Maine I was carded. Every single time. Since I've been in Arkansas I've made plenty of trips to the liquor store and ordered a few glasses of wine at local restaurants. And do you know how many times I've been asked for I.D. here?

Once.

Once.

That instance was only because Walmart has a strict policy that minors cannot sell alcohol. So my adorable, pudgy cheeked cashier couldn't even touch the bottle. He had to call his manager over, and she, of course, asked for I.D. Because he was a minor, no doubt.

Here is the paradox: drinking is so faux pas, but in actuality, it might actually be far easier for minors to get it here.

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This paradox has me thinking about something that I've been wondering about for a very long time. Boundaries. Yes, that blessed buzz word, that means who-knows-what to each individual who hears it. Let me take the liberty of attempting to lay down a general definition.

In my opinion "boundaries" is when you are able to decipher between what is your responsibility and what is not. A simple question I often ask myself is, "Is this my problem? Or is it theirs?"

Ah, now there's the problem.

Back to that paradoxical Christian culture...there's a common speed bump Christians* encounter when trying to lay down their own healthy boundaries. If boundaries are not selfish then they are lacking in forgiveness. There it is. To claim the freedom to say, "No, not in my life", one is either being selfish or has not forgiven an offender. I feel that boundaries are socially frowned upon, but there is so much more danger and bondage as a result. Everyone wants to do what they want to do, but nobody wants to say no. Enter in Manipulation and Anger. Bondage.

I've found that boundaries are one of two things: a frowned upon buzz word, powerless, tiresome; or, more commonly, a conversation killer. Try to talk about the true issues surrounding boundaries, and you'll get blank stares. That's the thing about boundaries. They are hard. Being able to live ones life honestly seeking, What is my responsibility and what is not, is really, really hard. So much honesty is required to actually get to that answer, that one has no excuse whatsoever to not follow through on what they've discovered is their responsibility. It's hard. Finding the truth and acting on that truth can seem insurmountable. But the truth shall set you free. Truly!

And saying no is hard. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. (Unless you're one of the few natural-born Devil's Advocates.) We all want to be accepted--even a Devil's Advocate. So, it actually challenges our selfish nature to point out something unacceptable and say, No, not on my watch! We Christians discourage boundaries and call them selfish, but they actually protect the ones who need protecting. Love is willing to be the bad guy.

*I know this isn't exclusive to Christianity. It just seems to be the most commonly played card within.