Teach Me Some Melodious Sonnet

Today is the first full day away from Babydaddy after one full week of him working from home. And I just want to cry. Not a big, boo-hoo, wail fest. I think I just need a little something to push those brimming tears over the edge.

I know we're doing the right thing; I know we're on the right track. But I miss my Man.

However, I know I need to learn and practice a few things while he is not here--while I can't use him as a crutch. Yes, my husband is my shield. He protects me; he tends the garden of my soul. But I have some responsibility for that soil as well. This is soil that I have been all too eager to leave in anyone else's hands but my own. Even if those hands wounded me.

(He to rescue me from danger...)

This, literally, was the first thing that attracted me to my husband: I was freshly eighteen. I looked into those 26-year-old eyes-which seemed so old at the time-while I tried desperately to flirt with an unwilling partner. And I saw it.

I can trust him.

He will never lie to me.

He will never betray me.

He won't even flirt with me.

Even in my weakest moments, he will not use me.

And from that moment on, I never let him out of my sight.

Love at first sight. I didn't even know it, but I knew it.

Oh, how naive that sounds to a woman who has been betrayed! Oh, how I know. Though the pain was second-hand, I learned. I grew up loving a betrayed woman with every single ounce of my being. The type of love you can't muster up. The type of love you can't get rid of. I was everything I could be to comfort her, and she was everything she could be to comfort me. As much as I fight it, my planets still want to orbit around her...

But every time Ladybug sees the sun setting or rising she exclaims, "I found God! There's God! D'you see him?" And there is my ever present reminder. He is my Sun. I orbit around him. He gives me life. Every single, new day.

Not my mother who let her body be cut open a fourth time to let me live, and has loved me through a big bunch of crap. Not my husband who finally gave in to a silly, boy-crazy girl, and has loved me into so much more than myself.

My Father is the source of all life and light. I orbit around him. And within this orbit I will find...eventually...what it is I am supposed to learn. A tiny bit today, a whole lot more to come.

Outside of his orbit I would die. I pray, earnestly, he does not allow me to wander out there.

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above."