we all have needs

I've been needing to write for so long. Not out of guilt--my mom is, like the only person who reads me here--but rather out of need. We all know that sometimes the needs facing us are louder than the needs seeking a way out. Those outside demands have quieted for now. So here I am.

The last part of August was spent in this frame of mind:

"Are we really going to move back to Boston? Of course we are! We LOVE it there!"

"Okay. How?"

The first part of September was spent like this:

"Are we really buying a house without seeing it? Without even driving by?"

"Of course we are. We can AFFORD it."

This was followed by a lot of praying and begging and pleading we weren't making a mistake.

The second part of September was spent saying goodbye to family, hoping our kids weren't going to cave in on themselves missing them, and rejoicing in a new life within.

Miracle of all miracles, we closed on the house on the 28th. We first saw it on the day we received the key of ownership. That very day we started ripping it apart. We have years of work ahead of us, which we knew going into it.

The first week here we were working as fast as we could knowing the symptoms of pregnancy would hit hard and fast. Week two the symptoms hit, and it seemed the focus of all five of our lives was to get me back in bed as early as possible every day.

Week 4 in our new home, my body knew what I would refuse to accept: this baby could not, would not, or should not make its way into our world. I will not hold my fourth child in my arms.

What has happened in my soul from then, until now, until eternity needs an eternity to happen. Because I cannot lose a child without the hope of seeing him alongside Jesus. I would die the most painful death without that hope, and I just cannot figure out how anyone survives without it. Living through the little that I have...I don't know how half the world can even remain breathing apart from Christ.*

At the same moment that universe of knowledge, possessing, touching and nursing and smelling-newborn stopped for me, the rest of our lives started back up again. What a bittersweet realization that....I had energy. I could eat. And I had to get to work. Partly to distract from loss...partly to be prepared should we be so audacious as to hope for a child again through pregnancy or adoption.

Then Li'l Bit got pneumonia....The Rascal (Ladybug) got Croup....Babydaddy got the flu. (Don't fight me, B. It was the flu. You were in bed for a week.) Providentially, I was able to pour my sorrow into compassion for three weeks. And, honestly, if I just won't let myself look into my own heart, I won't be so sad.

And now we are here. Our school room is organized, and we are actually having "school." My clothes are now in an adorable, antique dresser rather than the floor, and I look forward to getting dressed in the morning. I've scrubbed our bathroom enough that I actually feel clean when I take a shower. Our dear friends, the Baylors, have survived the rigors of Boston for so many months, and so I still get to be with them.

I have so many things I can check off of my do to's.....

.....but we get to this point.

We actually DO all we can....for once......but is it enough?

Crap. I don't know.

But I do know a few things. My life allows me to know a few things rather than just one. Though that one would more than suffice.

1. My Father loves me from eternity, forwards, and back again....despite who I am.

2. I still have a husband who could beat up your husbands any day of the week--on the same day as he gives me an hour long massage--and three kids who are kind of awesome.

3. There is a soul in heaven who was only "mine" for 8 weeks, and I can't wait to meet him or her.

4. We have plenty to keep us busy.

So that's where we are. We're loving our Father and trying to follow his Spirit. We're loving each other and trying to be nice about it. Grief doesn't really play out practically, so we're keeping busy. And there is plenty to work with.

*The depravity of man is astounding. We give ourselves enough reason to live through sheer selfishness. And that is what I fight everyday.