It's been months.
We have weathered yet another incapacitating pregnancy. We came out the other end of a terribly hopeful labor with a fifth warm, fuzzy soul. (We never got to see #4, so really our Baby O is #6.)
She is here.
And I am here.
But so is my husband and Li'l Bit, Gizmo, Ladybug, and The Rascal. There are 7 of us. SEVEN! And B.daddy and I have these peculiarly lovable "unrelated" souls all around us just begging to be loved. There are so many human beings happening right now! How does God even stand it?
How do we do this thing called love?
I have so much raw love inside the most deep, dark, protected part of my heart. But how do I get that love through my walls? These walls have kept me standing my entire life. They may be the only things keeping me standing. Or they may be the only things keeping me separated from the people who are so eagerly trying to love me....and more importantly, so desperately wanting me to love them.
And my walls may rebuild themselves even after I have broken them down with vim and vigor and vomit. Really? For the rest of my life? (Please, no.)
Maybe I'm sitting here with my FIFTH BABY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD wondering why I haven't figured this thing out.
Maybe the feeling I had of being totally and completely overwhelmed after having one child is the exact same feeling I have now. Because maybe having a baby is a big deal. Can I just tell you what a big deal this girl is?
She is warm, oh so warm.
She is perfect.
She smells like breastmilk and the cleanest, purest fuzz.
She is sweet.
She is vulnerable.
Her one goal in life is to be loved and cared for.
Her first smile wasn't just a grin. Her mouth opened so wide with elation my heart left my body (yet again) and implanted itself inside her chest (yet again.)
Her siblings kiss her and coo over her constantly.
Her mere existence constantly breaks my heart into a trillion pieces.
This is exactly how I felt after Li'l Bit was born--my first baby. I expected to swoon and feel comforted and whole. I did NOT expect my heart to break like it had never broken before. I did not expect to feel like the most important part of me was beating inside a tiny, helpless human being. But I had never fallen in love so hard and so fast. Of course I didn't know. And who would expect that to happen a second, third.....sixth time in one lifetime?
Who would expect so much love? And who would expect it to ache so much? Those walls start shooting right back up, because this can't be right.
It is so much safer to separate oneself. Within myself I can master, control, protect, contain. At the very least, no one can hurt me if I feel nothing for anyone. Can I just be me? Separate and far away from anyone else?
No.
You can't.
These are your people.
I love these people. I can't handle it. I can't squelch it. I cannot contain these children. I cannot master my man. I cannot protect any of them despite my ultra-sensitive, whatever-phobe-or-phile-radar was ostensibly nurtured into me. They just keep living and feeling and acting and asking and speaking.
Inside my walls all was quiet.
All was just so.
Safe.
All was dark.
All was not right--it was bleakly silent.
My man has so many good words.
My babies are so noisy.
My soul aches for even more of this noise that breaks my heart because it reveals the secret that we all are aching to be loved.
I am not alone in this wanting to be loved.
~~~
Thanks to the people who have loved me, I am finding my many words. The silence is no longer bleak. My words are finding a safe place to land and, by some, be heard.
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