When The Storm Subsides...

My favorite person in the world has been traveling more than he ever has and more than he'll ever have to again...hopefully. Constant, week after week traveling. Despite the best efforts of the only three ladies I'll actually trust with my children, I was on my own a lot. Lonely a lot, in a strange Twilight Zone bubble. But, finally his last trip was over. We didn't know exactly what job he'd go back to, but at least he was home.
Thirty-six hours later I left for Arkansas. I spent a glorious weekend taking care of my oldest sister and her brand new baby girl. I had an amazing time accomplishing task after task and enjoying glorious real-life conversation without interruption. But still I did not know if my earth-bound provider would have a new, better job awaiting him. I started to wonder what I was going home to.
After eight hours of exhausted, tear soaked travel and one very scary landing I am home.
My rainy, dirty, cold Boston.
I'm home.
Me, my babies, my husband. We're all here and no one is leaving.
Finally news of the job comes down the line, and I breathe a sigh of relief. My hands set to work. I nest, I nurture, I am so happy to be home. I'm so grateful to know the plan laid immediately before our feet. His Mercy is easy on my temperament.
This life can seem just so stinking hard sometimes. And so pointless. It can be freezing, cold suffocating. I am so thankful for our Oasis. Home, love, life, loud kids, baking. And not just the five of us. Even more Purpose: To see our Oasis of people Sunday night and fill their tummies up with Love Food! To be reminded. We are here to be with our family.
But my heart wrenches within. I just left my sisters on the Arkansas ground five days ago! I craned my neck to hold onto those last seconds of nearness as the plane pulled me up. Away.
Still we are here to be with our family. We city urchins have found a warm place to dwell. A safe place to love. A table always set with a hot meal. We have found shelter.
As silly as it sounds in a cold, rain soaked city, we have all found our Oasis.



And I chuckle as I imagine Clint and Bob riding camels.

Eat your heart out, Honkey!

Sooo....

Right after Christmas Shermee and Nana came up to stay with the kids. B.daddy and I went on our Vermont vacation that I planned LAST JANUARY!! AAAHHHHH!!!!

Vermont really is a gorgeous place. However, I could probably never live there b/c they boycott places like Wal-Mart. If I were to return to rurality I think I'd be a Maine girl. It's just arctic enough to not be totally redneck.

Without further ado, here are pictures that will make you drooooolll:

those four windows at the top? yeah, that was our room.

(Interestingly, this house was built in the 1800s by a bloke who wanted to appease his southern wife.)

pics from the town square which was right in front of the inn

li'l bit and i had just finished reading about laura ingalls and almanzo in their cutter--so b.daddy jumped in to take a pic for her. :)

Our Room:

yeah, it was pretty much the best suite in the whole inn.

Shopping in the little bitty village:

You want to play with me, Mommy?

Gizmo asks me that question about sixty-two times a day. His greatest desire is simply for us to play with him. Not to discipline properly or make him feel like a little man or hug his little neck or kiss his yummy cheeks. He does need those things. But the very tip top of his I Need List is for Mommy, Daddy, and Sissies to just play with him. Recreational Companionship. It makes total sense.

Of course, my answer is far too often, "Not right now, babe." Or, "I can't, sweetie. I'm just too busy." But what am I busy with? I'm busy "taking care" of him. I do the same thing with B.daddy. I stay so busy meeting practical needs, that I miss out on meeting their real needs. The house is clean, food is healthy, education is given. But what about the needs of their hearts?

I know, as home managers, we have to be reasonable. We have to juggle and compromise, and sometimes we have to say no.

But what I'm really talking about is cutting ourselves some slack. We feel guilty for everything, so the last conclusion we'd come to is to take it easy on ourselves. Even now I'm thinking of all the selfish reasons I don't play with Gizmo when he asks. "It's because I want things to be a certain way that I can't take the time to sit on the floor and pretend to be Lightin' McQueen."

I'm learning, though, that it's not so much that I want those things. It's that I hold myself to such high standards, that I can't imagine taking a minute to enjoy the day. To enjoy playing with my son. To enjoy my son!

I think I have to meet my high standards in order to please my family.

But I don't. They are pleased with me because of who I am. They love me because I love them. I don't have to prove that I'm worthy of their love. They just love me the way I am.

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11

We think we've got to prove ourselves in order to be loved. It is so hard for us to actually believe we are lovable--and loved--just the way we are-with all of our quirks and bad habits.

A few days ago I was having a Scrap Day--much like today. I had gotten so lost that I scrapped everything I usually do and hope to accomplish in a day. I was in my pj's with no make up on and a mop-head of hair. I needed to forget about that stuff for a day so I could try to really see what was going on around me.

So Gizmo wanted me to help him fix his car.
The two of us were leaning over the ottoman looking under the hood (the cushion of the rocker-glider was popped up like the hood of a car.) We were fixing spark plugs and adding oil and getting out all the various things that get stuck in an engine block. You wouldn't believe what we pulled out of that thing. But what caught me off guard was this: My son, who is scarcely outwardly affectionate turned and stared at my face. Then he said, "Mommy, you are so beautiful this morning!"
I was meeting his greatest need, enjoying him, and his love poured right out of his mouth.

We just need to let ourselves have more fun, and laugh at all the other crap.